I do not always get the chance to write out my thoughts. I should like to be able to decompress and allow the swarm tossing and turning in my head to flutter away like words to when being written on paper. But, that never seems to be the case now that I am older and in college, and trying to make it through each day one second at a time.
Ah! College. It does something to you. Maybe not in the first couple of semesters, but things change. You change. You're mind-set changes. You're body changes - Good 'ole Freshman 15! (Or in my case, you lose weight)! Either way, college is one huge obstacle that leaves you befuddled at the end of each semester.
Honestly, I should be writing my fifteen-page paper for my History of the Middle East class, but I felt God place some pretty deep stuff on my heart lately that I just cannot ignore. I mean, it's personal. It's not something everyone is dealing with, I guess. But, then again, maybe there numerous people dealing with this similar issue than I think. College and being an adult can be so exciting, especially when you begin feeling those sweet moments of independence as your parents slowly, but surely, start to release their fervent grip on your life and your heart. As they allow you to make your own decisions, that's when college really changes you. For better or for worse, or both.
I am 23 - almost 24 within a matter of weeks - and I have been single for four years running. I am not complaining; however, I am restless. I find myself praying that God will lead me to my future husband, that He will lead him to me. On and on and on the prayer goes until I just get so angry with myself and with God for the way I feel. I am in college, for goodness sake! I should be having the time of my life like I assume everyone else is, and yet, I am on my last semester and have never felt completely happy with my life or the direction I am headed. Maybe I am overthinking things, and maybe I am just being a selfish brat. (It could be a culmination of both, to be honest)!
Praying never seems to work. But, for some reason I have faith that it will. At least one of these days. I guess that's why I keep praying, because I know there is something good in store for me around the corner if I just continue to wait it out and pray.
And that got me to thinking....
I might not ever find the love of my life before I graduate, but you know, that's okay. I shouldn't be in a rush to find my "dream guy" anyhow. After all, what do I know about love? I am only a quarter of a century old and I have still so much to learn about loving my Lord and serving others. I am far from ready to be someone's wife, let alone a mother to a gaggle of babies!
In realizing this, I have began changing the way that I think and pray about my future relationships. I don't want to pray merely to satisfy my longings and desires. What good is that going to do to pray for the willingness to receive love if I have not begun to prepare my heart to love them in return? I want to prepare myself to be my future husband's Help Meet. And by doing so I need to take the focus off of me and how I can please myself, and restructure my prayers to honor the desires and needs of my future spouse and children.
My prayers now consist of seeking God's will for what He wants from me as a single woman, and that He give me the patience and contentment to fully understand His plan for this valley that I am in. In the same breath, I desire to know what He requires of me as a future wife for the man He has planned. And now I find myself praying NOT for a husband (although that would be a bonus), but praying that God will prepare me for my husband. That He will tune my heart to sing my heaven;t Father's praise, and place it on my heart a willingness to serve, defend, obey and love my husband.
If I pray ONLY for what I want, then I am missing the point of what God wants to fulfill in my life. Marriage is something He has laid on my heart, and I do not doubt for one moment He would ever deny me that pure, heartfelt dream. However, I don't want to sit around idly and lust after the idea of affection and "togetherness". I want to prepare myself as a woman of God to meet the needs of my future spouse and children, which cannot be done if I am focused solely on what I WANT.
Praying for Godly attributes has helped me to be patient and more content, for sure!
Pray for wisdom. (Proverbs 14:1)
Pray for an obedient heart. (Ephesians 5:22)
Pray for sensibility and a spirit of encouragement. (Titus 2:4-5)
Pray for a spirit of Love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-13)