Do Not Merely Exist BLESSED SINGLENESS + FORSAKING IT ALL SAIL THE HIGH SEAS + BIBLE MAN ARMOR

//pumpkins || and why i love fall

October 26, 2014


I LOVE FALL
 It's one of my favorite seasons. (And that's a legit statement). It's not because of the infamous pumpkin spice lattes, either. Actually, I could care less about having a pumpkin spice anything. I am not a fan of spicy flavors or even hot drinks, to be matter-of-fact.

What's up this pumpkin flavored drinks anyway? That's not what fall is all about. (In case you didn't know!). Sure, seasonal drinks help to enhance the mood, or whatever they're supposed to do. But, seriously! Think about it. If all you care about the seasons changing is getting your spiced latte, then you're missing out on so much...you're missing out on the beauty of God's creation and the miracles of change. 

Have you ever stopped (while in line at the Starbucks drive-through, maybe) to really ponder the beauty of God? It's a perfect time to say a little prayer of Thanksgiving, and marvel at His splendor. Yes, you can even marvel at His splendor even among brick and sidewalk and black pavement. I mean, hey, they're something to marvel about, too. Just think, without God giving us the know-how, we would have never created such things. We'd still have dirt roads and pathways, and definitely no Starbucks. 

It's amazing. It's mind blowing. 

God has created ALL of this and we take it for granted. We, a people that focus too much on the things that have no meaning, fail hard when it comes to focusing on the things that matter. Pondering the good, instead of the bad. If you and I were to go for a thirty minute and take pictures, what would we see through the lens? Would we see our worries and stresses, or would we be dramatically transformed by what we saw through the lens-the beauty that God has placed on earth for us to be in awe of and in love with? 

I ran across this saying (as I normally do when I am either on Facebook or Instagram) which does really lend a hand to what I am trying to say:
 "Don’t look at this moment without seeing God's grace in the details".
God is everywhere. He is the author of all creation. His divine plan is in everything...both in heaven and on earth. I know, for myself, I tend to get caught up in life without ever living. You can merely exist, or actually live. And doing both is not an option. One or the other. I have found that when I actually take a moment to purposefully be in awe of our Creator, I feel more alive. And with being intentional about gazing upon the miracles of life and earth, I am blessed, refreshed, and as a friend once said "feeling crispy!". 


EMBRACE CHANGE












There are days like today that truly show me the marvelous beauty that God has created at work and on display for my eyes to gaze upon in full splendor and awe. Just like it did when I went to Honeysuckle Hill Farms the other day on a field trip with my 2-year-olds, today is no different. It's just what the Doctor ordered. It really helps me to relax when I fully embrace God's grand design. 

It has been a LONG and restless week. I have done all that I could to ditch the past and start anew. To be able to start with a clean slate-for the thousandth time over, you guessed it, a guy-is so frustrating and difficult. You can't go back to the way things were before. With every new dating encounter, you are forever changed. 

However, this isn't bad! It's not necessarily good, either. 

I think there are lessons to be learned in everything we allow God to do, or even attempt to do ourselves. I am convinced that humans are stupid. Not essentially stupid in a way that insinuates that we all are mental incapable (no one is ever incapable of anything in God's power). But, when it comes to relationships, the good vs. bad, we always (even myself) tend to run back into the arms of bad relationships, or even into bad dating cycles. 

This is where CHANGE comes into play. 

Are you ready to change your patterns so that they coincide with what the Lord wants? Or are you still living off the high of the on+off dating patterns that never seem to go anywhere, but give you a buzz every time a guy shows interest, but ignores you three days later? 

Ladies!!!!

It's time to change and EMBRACE it! Time to give it ALL over to the Lord and surrender our hearts, souls, problems, etc., to Him who is in control. I have a secret for you. Wanna know what it is? You are not in control. In fact, your life is so out of control, you need someone who can control it (fast) before you spiral out of control. Basically, you stink at controlling your life. Epic FAIL.

Want to know another secret? You don't want to let go of the control over your life because....you are AFRAID. And fear is a powerful thing. It will overwhelm you. It will break you. The lovely authoress, Staci Eldredge states in her book, Becoming Myself we need to move from fear to desire. She refers to the Bible passage, 1 Peter 3:3-6 about how "beauty should not come from the outward adornment". Basically, in short, she mentions that the essence of this verse is not about beauty per se, but "how to get true beauty, which is this: do not give way to fear" (108).

I'll be first to tell you, if you don't already know, that women are vulnerable creatures and are very susceptible to fear of all kinds. Staci says that the reason for this is because "we care, because we love, because in God's gracious design we are vulnerable and gloriously so" (108-109). 

Fear is the enemy. And giving it control over your life, because you're afraid of losing control, even to a mighty God, will be your demise. So, in order to change, you must let go of your fears. You MUST choose love.
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them....There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear....The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:16,18).

My dear, sweet ladies, this is not rocket science. In fact it's really simple. In order to overcome fear, we need to come to our senses. What are we living for in a life built out of fear, other than merely existing? Truth is, we're not. 

But here's the deal. To break the chains to an addiction to fear, we need to give back the control to God. We need to surrender our fears over to Him. We need to choose life. Choose risk. "The only safe place for our hearts is to dive deeply into the magnificent, eternal, ridiculous, overwhelming love that God has for us" says Staci (115). The best way to change your course is to live a life of LOVE. So, what better way to do that then, as Staci puts it, to "come and be free in the love of God" (115)? 

I am on a mission to be free from fear! I fear a slew of things-from dating to death. And while all is typically inevitable, it's still scary to face head on and think about. In closing, I want to share with you a prayer from Sidewalk Prophets' song "Help Me Find It".


If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it Can you 
Whatever you're dealing with. Give it over to the Lord. His might can move mountains. 

// i am done with dating

October 23, 2014










Online dating has become all-too common a thing to do. It looks cool. Yeah, people even meet their spouse there, too. But, want to know the reality? If you do online dating, be prepared for more heartache than actual success. 
It's not as fun as it looks. Trust me. I have been into the online dating scene (only until recently) and have experienced more heartache than success than I'd ever wish to experience in a lifetime. 
I honestly don't think online dating is what God had in mind when he created romance. Talking to random guys online, then moving to text, then meeting in person, and then talking continuously for two weeks after...then nothing...seems to have a greater impact on ones' self-esteem than people might think, and it's not by any means ROMANTIC! 
In fact, if you really want an insiders view on online dating, then I will be honest and tell you that it's all a game. Whether or not you're meeting to have sex (in which I have never done!), it's more about the test run than it is about procuring a relational foundation with that said man or woman. 
Dating, period, isn't fun. But I will go ahead and say this, if you're thinking about dating online, let it be known that it can/does become an obsession. It becomes, well, like a hobby, really. And that, I will say, does distract from ones relationship with Christ, because you're too busy dwelling over the questions pertaining to the reasons behind why the guy you were talking to for two weeks suddenly STOPPED talking to you. (I have been there, done that! Not fun). 
Recently, this happened to me. Hence the reason behind why I recently ended my love affair with the thrill of online dating (which wasn't an intentional type of dating at all. Not very realistic, either!). Anyway...as I was doing my morning study, I ran across a quote that really made me think:
We must focus on who God wants us to be, before we worry about who we are supposed to be with. (Jarrid Wilson)
Truthfully, that quote would have made me smile. Probably even cry. As it really should! Because it's so true. But, yes, it's been difficult to read this, and be happy and smile about the beautiful truth of this quote when all I could see was the depressing reality of my life--->SINGLE. 
And as a single woman and dating, you often find yourself wondering, in the midst of rejection "when will it be my turn?"/ "When will my prince come?"/ "Why do they all leave?"/ "When will I be enough?"/ "What's wrong with me? Am I broken, invisible, worthless?"/ "Why do they not want me!?"
These questions stack up in my mind like legos that a two-year-old puts together with determination before knocking them down in a fit of joyousness. Only...my lego castle doesn't get knocked down by joyful babies whose laughter is contagious and smiles are beyond cute. Instead, my lego castle get plowed over by the awful fact that I go on dates (to hopefully find the one) only to be discouraged and left with an empty place in my heart, left with a deeper wound and a stronger longing to belong. 
My lego castle doesn't stand a chance against the powers of emotional turmoil. To feel powerless against it is overwhelming. You can't stop the invasion. You can't control the outcome.
Ladies, in the online dating world, men will enter your heart. They will plunder the vastness of your loving and caring soul, take what doesn't belong to them, and leave you with missing pieces to your puzzled heart. Leaving you with a hamburger heart-riddled with filthy stains, rips and tears, and damaged (feeling beyond repair). 

BUT...

THERE IS HOPE!

I wrote in my journal last night to try and put my feelings into perspective and to try and encourage myself. 

Alright. Emily, it's over. You need to breathe and fix your eyes back on God. Don't take to heart so readily the lies the world would have you believe-that just because one man doesn't want you, it doesn't mean that the right one won't. It takes a special person to want to love a special lady-to respect her, to need her, to rejoice in her presence; and to want to learn about her in all aspects of who she is and the woman God has created her to be, and the woman God is leading her to become.
You don't fit the normal patterns of this world. You are unique in the songs that you sing. You are independent, loving, energetic, dorky, and very strong-willed! Just because a man writes you off means-obviously-that he wasn’t worth your time anyhow. REMEMBER-being single is only a season. And just as the flowers in spring have faith that they’ll bloom, so should you have faith that when the time is right you’ll be more than ready to bloom-you’ll be ready to fly!
Oh, how I needed to write those words to myself. But, they are meant for you, too! Sometimes, encouraging words help soothe the soul, especially a single girl’s soul. It’s not ideal, for sure. But, what I am learning during this season-patience, obedience, love, hope, and faith-will affect me greatly and prepare me immensely for when the time does come to leave my parents and cleave to my husband.
Sisters, being single isn’t BAD. Just hard. Instead of dwelling (like I have), join me in this time of being single by allowing God to teach us about what love really means, and about contentment in what and where we are “in the now” rather than where we’d rather be in terms of romance.
I love the verse, Psalm 3:4. It says so much about how God really does hear all we say and how he truly does answer our prayers, but on His own time. I cry out to the Lord daily for an answer to my singleness. Except, instead of waiting diligently for his reply, I get wrestles and abandon all sense of focus, and do my own thing. I have done my fair share of waiting, but I have done very little in regards to listening. (And I am sure you have, too!).
Look, you and I need to get our priorities straight. What is our best yes? Is wasting all our precious time and energy trying to pursue and win the hearts of men worth our best yes?! Shouldn’t our best yes be to focus on pursuing God and giving out hearts completely to Him? Yes! That’s the definition of the best yes! I mean, it’s obvious that God wants this of us. It clearly states in Matthew 6:33 that we should “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”.
So, ladies, it’s high time we ditch the dating scene and get on board with God’s divine plan and explore the vastness and richness of the single life with Him at the helm. Sail the high seas and conquer whatever it is you dream of doing or experiencing. But remember, let your best yes be a yes that pursues God and entrusts your heart to Him. The rest, I assure you, will flow forth from your faithfulness. 

// sail the high seas || Bible Man Armor

October 15, 2014

Sometimes I like to think of my single life as a scene in Greek mythology. Not in so many variations, but the idea is there. Just imagine, if you will, that being single is like being on a large wooden ship set to sail across the seas on a grand exploration to conquer some vast land unknown to mankind. You're being constantly tossed at sea, with no land in sight. The moral is not always the best; crew members threaten to mutiny. And the Captain constantly barks orders to swab the deck! Oh, and the worst part is...there are mythological Sirens up ahead ready to lead you off course. 


Be ready. Whether you tie your Captain to the mast, or your Captain plays melodious music that is by-far more enchanting that the Sirens, you better be prepared to face your demons and know how to do it effectively. Because if you're not ready to combat the Siren's lustful songs, it will be your demise.  

I like this analogy, because it closely resembles aspects of the single life and the temptations one faces during this season. You can either be prepared and ready for the road ahead and the temptations that will present themselves [like lust, premarital sex, etc.], or, you can give into the Siren's temptingly beautiful song and crash into the jagged rocks. 

The single life can often be a double-edged sword. You can either choose to be single for a good part of your life-until the one comes along-saving yourself wholly for your husband, or, you can choose to indulge your lustful desires outside of the bond of marriage. But you can't have both. And while one is, by far better than the other, both do have their ups and downs. And being single can be scary if you are not aware of your surroundings, or prepared to combat those temptations with the Holy Word of God. 

So...veering from the whole Greek mythology concept, and onto the solution. I like to call this concept my Bible Man Armor concept. Which, our case is basically putting on your daily armor as talked about by Paul in Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God,so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Begin every day of your single life with this in mind; and begin your day with quiet time with the Lord and put on your Bible Man Armor. Prepare for the spiritual warfare that rages on relentlessly against you on a daily basis. With God's word in your heart and in your head, there is nothing that can stand against you...because God is for you (Romans 8:31)! The single life can sometimes feel like you're living a crazy life on the High Seas, being combated by waves and lyrical Sirens. But with God as you're Captain and with your Bible Man Armor on, navigating the sea of the single life isn't as scary as it may seem, especially if you're alone. 

// breakups are hard || there is a season

October 12, 2014


Morning, Ya'll! 

Today is a tad-bit wet, and dark, and solemn. It's been this way for the past several days, actually. Some of the days past, it's not looked too friendly-with all the severe weather activity floating through the air. 

Today is calm and serene (a good day for a walk!), and I hope to find you all well and enjoying this beautiful, rainy, coffee-weather Sunday! 

I hate storms. Not your typical thunderstorm with that majestic lightning streaking through the sky. But those hail storms that are usually followed by severe wind and tornadoes. The weather people are calling for severe weather tomorrow and Tuesday for us, and I am already in panic mode. Needless to say storms stress me out!

But the storms that we encounter through different weather patterns are nowhere near as stressful as the storms of life. And trust me, I am very familiar to the storms of life. Sometimes they're just a cloudy patch in the sky surrounded by sunshine-a small bit of rain needed to water the garden. Yet, other times, the sky is so black you can't make out the good from the bad-all you see is despair-a foreboding storm bringing destruction. 

Last year... I went through a breakup that left me devastated and confused. This was one of those storms of life I had never experienced before. It was hardly mutual. But I went along with it peaceably so he would leave quickly and allow me time to cry. Like I mentioned in my last post, I had not seen him in over a year. 

And tonight I see him for the second time in forever! But the funny thing is, unlike last week, I am not nervous. It's almost like I could care less to see the man who broke my heart, like, I am over and done with this (for the first time!), and am so ready to move on to greener pastures. 

God uses different things to grab our attention and direct us back to Him. While in that relationship with my ex, there was NO God. Just the two of us. The time I had with my ex was memorable, sure. But the time I have had without him in my life has been a monumental learning experience. One of the major lessons was taught through the past year after my breakup was obedience.  

God doesn't promise us an easy life when we become followers of Christ. In fact, He is blatantly honest about the sufferings we will endure for His cause (Philippians 1:29). But, He also tells us that we will suffer by enduring trials and tribulations of many kinds (James 1:2). It's not easy to be obedient. If it were easy it would be a breeze to raise a child, to willingly obey your parents, or even fearlessly follow your boss. 

It wasn't an instantaneous lesson learned. In fact, it took a stinking year-and-a-half to even start realizing that this was something God was trying to instill in me. Granted, I am a very obedient person. To a fault, even. But when it came to obeying God-I fell flat. 

Hebrews 5:8 says that “Though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.” 

This passage is very true in regards to my own personal life. I have found it, more often than naught, that God uses our sufferings to teach us obedience. This reminds me of my mom. She used the results of my bad attitude as a child to show me the consequences of being disobedient. A slap on the wrist, a pat on the butt, a nose in the corner, a week’s worth of being grounded...were just a few ways she used my unwillingness to obey to teach me about obedience. And more often than I can remember, those momentary moments of suffering were teaching me about surrendering to obedience. 

And while none of us care to surrender to obedience, I can honestly say that the lesson is worth learning. You not only learn about yourself through the eyes of Christ, but you learn that being obedient doesn't mean you lose yourself in the process. Being obedient to Christ means you are investing in your spiritual well-being. It means you're willing to follow wherever He may lead. 

<<>> 

That leads me to my next point. I am feeling so inspired by God today! He has been teaching me so many things over the past year-and-a-half and I am absolutely blessed by the blessings of this grand adventure of singleness that he has chosen to place me on. 

This morning I was reading my Bible. Sometimes I allow the Bible to just randomly flip to a chapter, and from there I start reading. Today's random-but not so random-chapter was Ecclesiastes 3. 

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8    a time to love and a time to hate,    a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
15 Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.[b]
16 And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
17 I said to myself,
“God will bring into judgment
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”
18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

In this chapter James speaks of the transitions in life during our brief time here on earth. And as singles we need to remember that our life  “appears for a little time and vanishes away.” It's true! I have struggled with being single for over a year when my ex and I broke things off. I felt like I had been abandoned, like my world was coming to an end. Surly, I though, this is a sign that I am to be single for the rest of my life. No one wants me!  

The season of singleness often feels like an endless steamroller smashing down your hopes and dreams one bad date after another. You often feel like your time is running short and your luck is running out-that if you don't find the one pronto before the clock strikes midnight, you'll poof back into a modern-day version of Cinderella. However, there is HOPE! And one thing I have had to learn to do is change my thought process from woe is me during my lowest times in this season into a celebration. Why? Because, while this sounds so uncool, I have had to learn that I need to see my singleness as something that may last only a season. That it's not a forever deal. 

There are still days I feel so alone. Stuck. And like my life is coming unglued. But through this season of being single God has taught me several things. And has used this time to draw me closer to Him. Because, after all, what's a better way to fall than into the loving arms of Jesus?! 

Need some good pointers? Take a look:
  • 1 JOHN 3: 1 Know that you are God’s child, He loves you, and has moved heaven and earth to send Jesus to redeem you. We are the children of God NOW, not just after we die. As a child of God you have so many blessings to help you. You have God’s Spirit within you. How precious you are, single or married!
  • JOSHUA 1: 9 Be strong and of good courage! Joshua, the great leader of the people of God challenges us today. Face life with your faith. Take off the victim coat and burn it. We feel stuck when we feel like a victim. We feel out of control, we begin to see ourselves as hopeless, luckless victims. Refuse this mindset by repeating over and over “WITH GOD’S HELP, I AM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.”
  • JOSHUA 24: 15 Joshua again challenges us to “choose this day whom you shall serve.”. Use your power of choice. You have MORE CHOICES THAN YOU REALIZE. You can choose your actions. For instance, you don’t HAVE to have a job. You might say, “Sure I have to have a job, I have bills to pay, stuff I am responsible for”. That is correct. What I say to you is this, you are CHOOSING to go to work to avoid bad consequences. That’s different than HAVING to go to work, when you retain your power of choice, you are no longer a victim.
  • ISAIAH 40: 6 All life is as the grass of the field. Accept the instability and transient nature of life. With God in our lives, we can weather all the storms and changes life throws our way. He is our rock, our sword, our shield. We can rest in Him, study His Word, pray, and grow deeper and stronger every day.
Take joy in being single! Take time to enjoy your life and go on a grand adventure only you as a single lady or gent can do. Go explore all the world has to offer! Dive into a glorious and passionate relationship with Christ. Get to know Him on a personal level. Get lost in His glory. Become obsessed with Him in this season. Face life head on and enjoy this season of singleness!

musings of a preschool teacher || the ex files

October 4, 2014

 
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them
 become what they are capable of becoming."
 -- Goethe

In my experience from being a child myself, the best teachers were those who understood the needs of a child as if they were still one themselves. Now-a-days, I find this trait to be very rare. Anyone can teach a child, but not everyone can do it really well. Like I said, the best teachers are those who can put themselves into the child's shoes and understand them on their level. 

I must be honest and say that I haven't always liked kids. I didn't even care for my own baby cousins. Kids were diseased and I wanted NO part of their slobbery disposition. But-stuffed somewhere in the back of my messed-up heart, I identified with them. I understood them-their language, their body movements, their needs. As a teacher you have to anticipate all those things in order to 1) make you're classroom run smoothly, and 2) make the children feel comfortable. Without those two important aspects of being a teacher, you've already lost the battle. 

Teaching children at my preschool has been a blessing beyond my wildest dreams! It's always been a desire (but one I tried to ignore) to teach. But not just teach, but also to love. It's truly amazing to watch teachers, both from the opposite spectrum, try to get a child to do something they do not want to do. A teacher that doesn't understand the ways of a child will lose the fight because they cannot communicate with a two-year-old at their level. Quite honestly, from my experience, this is where you throw logic and intelligence out the window, find your inner child, and place yourselves in those little girl/boy sneakers.

The one that does the later usually gets the best results. Why? Good question. From experience, it's those that can identify with the child, that have the greatest impact on and bond with the child. And when you have a loving bond with a child, they're more likely to do as you say (give or take a temper tantrum or two). And even though they throw a fit, there's still a knowing between the two of you that you're the boss; and that you're gonna win-temper tantrum or not. And you don't do it out of hate. Patience with children is your best friend. But so is a motherly voice and having "the fire in your eyes"! Trust me, a child knows when you're being serious or just feeding them bologna. 

I've discovered that if you want a child to do something they don't want to do: you have to explain to them in simple terms why they need to, for example, get their diaper changed. Sometimes, it's quite laughable the response you get from the children as they argue with you that their diaper is not dirty--

"I not dirdy" they might say.

"I hate to break it to you, bud. But you're soggy."

"I not sooggy!" they might argue, with a snicker.

"Ha! Yes, you are."

"I not!" they giggle.

All-in-all, I have discovered that children feed off off tough love in a more positive way than they do with harsh discipline. Yelling isn't the answer, and hugs and kisses for every little scrape isn't, either. Tough love combines the understanding of how to deal with a child in a positive way, while also integrating a certain level of discipline that the children need to learn how to fear and respect. 

<<>>


I realized something that scared me senseless a couple days ago. I am not over my ex. Out of all the guys I have dated, this man has been the only "official" boyfriend I've had. EVER. And I am alarmed by the fact that after a year and a half, I still have the very same feelings I had for him as I did on day one.

What's up with that?! 

A couple days ago he decided to Facebook me about wanting to come to my church. I was like "WHA! You want to come to MY church? We haven't talked in a year, and haven't seen each other in a year and a half. And you want to come to church-the place I fled to in order to find a love that would not leave or forsake me?! You want to encroach on MY space. How thoughtless".

I about had a cow. I feel bad, because I reacted to his message in haste. I basically read the message once and instantly said "heck NO!"
It wasn't Christ-like of me at all, to say the least. 
But after a year and a half of not once seeing him, I got scared at the idea of being able to once again see the guy I'd fallen in love with. 
And I was scared, because I don't want to see him-even though I really want to. But in reality, I don't want those feelings I had for him to come back. 
I have done a fine job of stuffing those feelings for him down the drain; and now they've resurfaced. I almost can't risk my heart getting trampled on AGAIN. 

However, I am reminded by my God-daily-that in Him my heart is safe. That He is in control. He knows my future. He knows the reasons why my ex wants to come to my church. And I should rest in all those facts. Whatever happens...happens; because it's all in His hands.

Paul says in Romans 8:28 that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whhave been called according to his purpose"And in Psalm 147:3, David writes: "He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds".

So- in other words, I need to just let GO! 

Sometimes though, we don't understand the ways of God-let alone fathom what those plans mean for us. This is where "relying on faith" comes in to play; because when we don't understand the workings of God, we really need to just shut up and listen rather than pester him with foolish questions.