work//relationships//drama//and other randomness
Whew! What a week. I am serious when I state that I was under a constant strain of pressure and stress all week. Especially Thursday, yesterday. It started out as any other day. I woke up, dressed, ate, got my $8 Starbucks coffee, and arrived at work around 7:35 am. I didn't wait until the clock chimed 8 to make my way in because I hate waiting, and I knew my coworker was out, which left the responsibility of trucking in earlier than normal up to me.
As I arrived, all seemed normal. Another one of my coworker (who works with the babies) was in my class room (as she always is early in the morning) to watch my kiddos until I or my co-worker arrive. Well, needless to say, as I enter my room, the school director (my boss) is caught off guard by my super early entrance.
Director: "Wow, you're early. Did you and K switch arrival times?"
Me: "Um...no. K isn't coming in. Did she not tell you?"
Director: "No. She didn't. Well, who is filling in for her?"
Me: "I have no clue. She told me yesterday that she didn't know who was helping me today."
That conversation started a domino affect that got the day off to a rather stressful and interesting start. As I surveyed my room, there were five boys and five girls. Just from that configuration, I knew it was not going to be my day.
There is a whole heck of a lot of drama going on that I hate to be a part of, especially when it effects my job. So I tend to stay out of that sort of thing. However, it was right up in my face yesterday. I work from 8-5. And as you can imagine that's a full day with 2 year olds. I got no break. Zilch. Crazy! That only served to amplify the fact that for about 20 minutes I was out of ration, got word that someone quit before even starting, and that someone was fired on-the-spot. On top of that a few of the main teachers were out and the subs that were available to us were out as well. So we were in a great deal of hurt.
There were several times I almost cried. A few times I thought about talking another Celexa for my anxiety. And another time I thought about just digging myself a hole and passing out. Instead, I prayed. Hard. Long.
On top of that, I am still struggling with finding "the one". I am over it. It's terrible to say, but I highly doubt that there is a guy out there for me! God says "be single; wait for it", but I have my doubts. I am doubting that God hears me-let alone knows me-enough to know the type of guy I need/want.
But that's faith, right? A bit of an up-and-down-crazy-train-wreck that says "It's coming. Wait and see. Hold on and say yes to God 100%." I find that having faith, but never getting the results of your faith as fast as you'd like, to be defeating. Sure, we're not going to get all we've hoped and dreamed for ASAP. Yet, it would be nice to see the results of our faith more often that it usually occurs.
However, that would defeat the purpose of needing God and relying on Him. To rely on God is essentially giving up our own desires for something better. Jeremiah 29:11 states that God has plans to prosper us-
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
To PROSPER! God knows our lives inside and out. He knows our future before we even experience the next second of our lives. He knows us down to the nitty-gritty. Astonishing. And yet, even after all of that...we still try and do things on our own.
Faith in God essentially means that we have a complete trust in who He is and what His plans are for our lives. I have struggled with understanding this for ages! Even though I am only 21, I have had a rough go of life. And a lot of it I have had to rely on hope and faith to get me through. But even so, I never fully understood faith, until I had to give up and let go of "having" a relationship with a man, and gave it over to the Lord-still praying, but resting in the fact that He knows BEST. He knows me BEST. Knows my likes, dislikes-my heart, and soul. So, of course, He's going to be the best matchmaker in the business. He can do what I can't do-make two people fall hopelessly in love, and orchestrate a relationship between two people that a human alone cannot fathom, nor make happen.
Overall, it's been a rough week. But without my faith, I'd have lost all hope for sure! Yet, with God, all things are possible-to find peace, enter into a new job with exuberance, and sincerely hope the best for those who are struggling. It's not easy, sure. But practice makes perfect.