musings of a preschool teacher
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart".
God specifically states that He will give us our hearts desire. But...the catch is that we delight ourselves in HIM. I am not saying we have to work in order to get our hearts desire (sounds like it, though), but what I want to try and convey is that when we're not focused on God and are trying to manually fulfill our desires on our own accord, we do not get the privilege of allowing God to bestow his blessing upon us.
They say when one door opens another one opens. But what if one door opens and the door you're trying to close stays open? I had this experience in the past week. I quit my preschool job in Gallatin, TN for a preschool job in White House, TN Wednesday. Should be a good, clean transition, right? Something up my alley; something similar to what I was doing only hours after I quit my old preschool job. Not the case!
There are a lot of sayings in life. One of them being "the grass is greener on the other side"-something like that. In any case, the grass really isn't greener in some cases. And this case is no exception. Actually, it was a dingy brown color on the other side. Chaotic, deadening, deeply insane and completely traumatic! I love kids-don't get me wrong-but there are just some cases when there are too many kids in the room to-unfortunately-be able to completely love and care for them all. Especially when half of them are crying, yelling, and telling you "I am gonna make you cry" as they walk away with a smirk on their face because they know you do want to cry (I didn't personally have this experience).
However sweet a child may seem deep down-somewhere inside-there lives the devil spawn. Nah! Only joking! Actually, the attitude and actions of the child usually reside from the aftereffects of absent parenting, too much discipline, or the right balance. You can tell. Really! And this group from the new school-all 20 of them-were wild, obnoxious, and utterly out-of-hand. The grass isn't always greener. And that leads to the reasoning as to why I stated that sometimes the doors you try to close don't close. Why I say that is because I experienced a door that I wanted closed flung back in my face, open wide.
The first day of my new job was a bust. Crazy and bewildering. Rule #1 in preschool management-->you DO NOT stick two completely new employees in your troubled room thinking it's a good idea. It's not. It's terrible. And while I wanted dearly to assist and help that new teacher by being her assistant, I knew in my heart (even before I started the job) that God wasn't finished with me at my old preschool job. When one door closes another opens, right? In this case, there were two open doors. Both good job opportunities. I firmly believe that if God had wanted me at that new job He would have gave me the perseverance and the heart for those kids. But in the same breath, He tugged at my heart throughout the whole process. I ignored it. I pondered it. I went through with it, thinking meh, it'll be a good career move, when in reality it would have been a better idea to stick to the job I LOVED than go to a job that I would HATE.
Anyhow...I said all that to say this--> I have been noticing in my life that what I pray fervently to God about is what I receive. And yet, sometimes those things that I have received I realize that I don't really need/want at all. Like with this new job. I wanted the new job more than anything because I was supposedly annoyed with my old job-being lead teacher this summer and all, and not having the support or encouragement I needed to help me through the summer-thinking it would be a good escape. It was close to home, offered more pay. Seemed like the perfect job! The think is, I firmly believe that God left the door to my old job open because he knew all along that I belonged there, with those kids, with the staff, with the boss. He opened the door, for sure, to the new job because, well, I wanted it; but He also had a Plan B knowing that I would discover that the grass was indeed greener on the side I had come from. Not the side I had traveled to.
So, in essence, today I am thankful for the job God has given me-1 year and 11 days to date! The Lord taught me through all this to be thankful for what I do have, to trust my gut even when people are telling me something different, and to always be my own person. He gave me the group of kiddos that I have at school because He knows I have a place in their lives, a reason to be there; lives to impact, to inspire, to love. He knows my talents and my heart. He has me right where He wants me, and I am thankful he does. I have learned my lesson. Think twice, act once. But always go with your gut. God may give you what you want, but sometimes He does that to show us that the one thing we want is not at all what we really need. And in some cases, not at all what we want!