a love of my own

Starbucks is my favorite place to go. That and the Wild Life viewing area in my home town. Right now I am actually at Starbucks editing and uploading photos of my Aunts wedding that happened back in March of this year. 
Yeah. I am a slacker. I am almost done, but not soon enough. Apparently I didn't realize just how time consuming my job would be where I work, and just how time consuming editing and uploading photos would be! It's actually a pain. 
Trying to do both simultaneously, while sleep deprived and on way too much caffeine. But it is finished. Yippee!! I am done and never again have to mess with editing wedding photos. 
Never again, I think, will I shoot another wedding. Nope. Ha!

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Anyhow...as I was making my way to Starbucks I ran across a song on the radio-Fall Apart by Josh Wilson. It struck a cord with me, in the way only some songs do.

Cause my whole world is caving in 
But I feel You now more than I did then 
How can I come to the end of me 
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to now You more 
Maybe this is how it starts 
I find You when I fall apart 
The lyrics spoke to me. (Funny thing how God can use a song to get through to some people. He is always doing that with me!). But, the lyrics made a huge impact on my heart today. 

I have been struggling, as many of you know, with the fact that I am single. I have felt-for a long time-that God used my singleness as a way to poke fun at me, to torment me. Because when I wanted a relationship he denied me that, and when I wasn't looking He gave me what I wanted but quickly took it away. How frustrating is that! 

While I talk a lot about seeking God first, yada-yada, I think Josh Wilson says it best in his song.

I will find You when I fall apart

I guess I skipped this part when I was battling an eating disorder. I mean, maybe I didn't notice this fact as plainly as I do now. I struggled then with a matter of the heart, but now I struggle again, but more fiercely than ever before. The eating disorder has been squelched; however, wanting a relationship can become just as much of an obsession. It did. It was. 

Until I realized this, deleted my online dating profiles, and took a step back, I didn't understand this. That when I fall apart, fall down, give up, cry out-I will always find God right there. 

He knows I want a relationship. But he also knows that it is eating me up inside-the desire is come to an unhealthy obsession. A sort of pity-party. He knows my heart. And I have to admit that my heart, before now, wasn't His. But it belonged to this fictional idea of the perfect man. 

I found God when I dropped to my knees and sought His love and grace. I see the error of my ways. My heart was invested in the wrong thing, and for that I am regretful. I spent several years chasing this ideal image of the perfect man, but in reality I didn't have to go looking very far to find HIM.

The perfect guy was right in front of me, but in a different form. Not as a visible man, but as a Holy Father. He knows my desires. We've had this talk. I made sure! Ha! But, seriously, our hearts should belong to the Father before they belong to man. It's in Him that we can trust our hearts 100%-knowing He will, in time, give over our hearts to a man deserving of our captivating beauty. 

So, until that time comes. I am just going to enjoy being single. Invest my heart and time into God's word and people. This is where I pray I find my heart's desire-to love God...love people...and maybe even in return find a love of my own. 

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