you don't have to be in a relationship for that to be possible

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ― Dr. Seuss

Often times, after breaking up with the man I thought was the "love of my life", I would think how cruel it was of God to have played this incredibly insensitive joke on me. To have sent this man into my life, to have spent a year getting to know him--loving him--only to have him ripped out of my life without any warning. 




I have spend many a long night dreaming about what could have been if we were still together. What I could have done differently that might have made a difference-- something that might have made him stay. My heart was heavy. Full of anger and resentment towards God for taking away a part of my life that I felt I deserved. Someone I loved deeply. Someone that made me smile and giggle. Someone that made life worth fighting for. 




There comes a time in life after such an event that you face God and ask "Why?" There may not be an immediate answer, but the answer does come. It's been almost a full year since I have seen him--that guy I wanted to spend a lifetime on adventures with; a year since I have seen his smile. Held his face in my hand. Whispered in his ear accolades of affection. But, what strikes me now... is that...I do not miss any of it.  



Yes, I miss the presence of a man in my life. But, I do not miss him. I find myself freed by this realization. Free to be single and enjoy life, and wait for my moment in time when I am no longer the one sitting in a chair watching the bride walk down the isle, but actually the one whose wedding people attend. 




I wrote in my journal today. I often do with I am distressed or in deep thought and need to reflect. You see, there are times when I find myself in a depressed state of thinking where I pity myself for not being in a relationship. In truth, I desire it so very much. 


I want someone to notice me. Someone to be enthralled by my beauty and find me irresistible. I want someone to see me, like me, take an interest in me, and act on it. It's like finding a needle in a hay stack--the right guy to fit you like a jigsaw puzzle--flawless. However, I find that it is best left up to God. But one cannot help but try and speed up the process at times--even though time is needed to reach "perfection", or in this case, find the right guy. I had a talk today with a good friend that was quite revolutionary...it had to do with laying down my expectations and focusing on two important details: that he be forever in love with our God, forever crazy about me. Enamored. Captivated. Enthralled.

One thing I learned last night after talking with two sweet girlfriends was that God knows when each chapter of your life ends and when a new one begins. Sometimes the transition is longer that we would like. But each chapter is written as an intricate part of who we are. It's full of our life lessons, awesome discoveries, loves and losses, pain and healing. And when I look back on that relationship...I find that the saying is true: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all". That's how we grow, develop. If we keep love to ourselves we will never grow and blossom. And in many cases closing ourselves off to love closes out the world around us. There is something to be said--something powerful--about a woman who opens her heart, even if there is that risk of being rejected. It takes courage to bloom...to show love. I have learned that you don't have to be in a relationship for that to be possible.

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