remain

June 25, 2014

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
-Royal Tailor (Remain)

I write a lot about the songs I listen to and the feelings and emotions they provoke. With Royal Tailor's Remain I did just that. Except, well, I wrote about it in prayer form. From my heart to the Big God in the sky. The primary love of my life!

Lord,
You're love is what will remain when all else fades. 
I can count on you to love me when no one else will.
See me when no one else will. And love me when no one seems to care.
You literally thought I was to die for, and you did so my laying your life down for me on that Cross.  
I long for an earthly love, Lord. One that doesn't require pages of a book or prayer or song. My parents, they love me. My siblings, they do, too. 
But in my longing to find love here on earth, I often forget that your's is sufficient. That your love is a HOLY love. An unending, unyielding love.
You're love for me is what took you to the grave. Whoa.
Your love is a love that I cannot readily process in my mind, because you are way too grand and glorious.
All else will fade, but you're love will remain.
I guess I need to put more weight on that fact. You really do love me to "infinity and beyond".
And I am blessed beyond measure!
Lord, I need your help on this...to remember that your love is sufficient and long lasting. That you're all I need. 
So...I pray that you show me what love really is. What it really, truly looks like.
Amen
 

Holding Out for a Hero

June 22, 2014


“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
― Anaïs Nin

You get what you ask for. Maybe there is some truth to the saying. Maybe it is what we go looking for that sheds light on the outcome we will most likely receive.

There seems to be a common thread in the guys I used to date. I wouldn't say that I found myself attracted to the bad guys, but my luck in the dating world was to date the guys on the brink of being labeled a "bad boy"--if they already haven't been labeled that before. At first I thought, much like Anne of Green Gables, that it would be kind of cool to date the "bad" guy. Like Anne said: “Not if he was really wicked. I think I’d like it if he could be wicked, and wouldn't.” But the more I dated, the more dissatisfied with guys I became.

 It is my experience that they start out to be good and admirable, with the sweetest intentions...only to want something in return for their efforts in the form of sexual favors. Horrified as I was in those few experiences encountered I, a woman of standards and morals, was not going to play that game. The last thing I was going to do was to give sexual favors to a guy who really didn't care if I was anything more than a fun "play-thing". No. I am not going to cave in for one moment of pleasure for a guy who doesn't even have my best interest at heart! I won’t even do it even if I were in his best interest. A guy who truly cares for me—and I mean really cares, respecting my wishes to remain sexually pure ‘til marriage, would not put me in that position.

So right now, I am holding out for a hero. Someone to save me from my negative way of thinking about men. (Granted, this way of thinking is not feminist by any means, but I am begrudgingly waiting for the Godly men to get off their butts and start acting courageous—like Biblical leaders—heroes). But, I have learned that Godly men--some, not all--are like fish. You have to be patient with them, coax them, and then real them in before they have a chance to escape. Nah, I kidding! Okay, only partially.

You see, in the dating world it;s a lot like fishing. You have to be patient. You cannot rush into any relationship without having a check-list of standards that the person must meet. It's not a bad thing to do this. Actually, from my recent experience, it has kept me grounded spiritually. In the realm of dating there is absolutely no reason why you have to lower your standards to get a great guy! Looking back on the past in the absence of a relationship, I have come to the conclusion that there are some key factors that need to be on the check list before there is any seriousness going on.

 a B E L I E V E R

I may not be married, but I am no dummy. There is already so many issues and conflict within a marriage. Why add to it with religion? It is crucial there is a common foundation for both you and your man. The last thing you want is to be fighting over your faith. It's exhausting.
2 Corinthians 6:14-16

G O D = C E N T E R

This is important and self-explanatory. If God isn't the center of his life, that guy doesn't need to be the center of yours. He needs to seek God is all things. Have quiet time with God and revere His name.
Proverbs 8:18-19

H O N E S T Y

This, my dears, is huge. You don't necessarily need to look for a guy who is willing to spill his guts to you on the first dozen dates (because, there needs to remain mystery), but he needs to be willing to be open and honest with you. Honesty is a sign of security in who you are--what you see is what you get, and there is absolutely no hiding it. You want a man who can stop the high school dramatics and start being real--real with his struggles, strengths, and weaknesses. Real with his hopes, his dreams, his desires. Real with who he actually is, not who he wants to be. I love what Relevant has to say about this "A man who has nothing to hide becomes the safe place in which a woman can hide her heart."
Psalm 15:2-5
 Ephesians 4:28

H U M I L I  T Y

This is so essential. His ability to be humble raises him up more than any other earthly thing. He doesn't need to talk up who he is. His life should be an example of that. A man of humility doesn't talk the talk, but instead he walks the walk. He is quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry due to the fact that he has put away his "rights" so self for the rights of selflessness, love and compassion.
Psalm 141:5
Psalm 103:8

F I D E L I T Y

He needs to take this one seriously. If he wants you, then he needs to deserve you. And cheating, while forgivable, does leave room for questions and trust-issues. If he is wise, he will not go looking outside the relationship for pleasure. If he is wise, he will be patient and willing to wait for you.
Proverbs 5:18-20

a W O R K E R

This speaks a lot for itself. He needs to be a hard worker. No lazy guy who plays video games all day qualifies as hard-working if he has no motivation in life. He should be a go-getter wanting to protect and provide.
Proverbs 6:10-11

R O M A N T I C

It is natural to desire this. So don't feel guilty about wanting and desiring romance! God desires for your heart to be romanced, just as He longs to romance us.
Song of Solomon 8:6

waiting for superman

W A I T I N G

L O N G I N G

D E E P L Y

P A T I E N T L Y

W A I T I N G

I hate to wait. Even though I am good at waiting, if I am running on a frapp with a double shot, I can't stand to wait. That ability of mine flies out the door. I get antsy. Squirmy, even. Sitting is almost impossible for me. (Guess this is why I work with propel-motored preschoolers. Ha!).

Sometimes I feel like Lois Lane-a beautiful damsel in distress, waiting for Superman to sweep her off her feet and out of the atmosphere. Which often leads me to conclude that my Superman is MIA. I mean, not really MIA; it's a figure of speech. But I patiently wait for him to show up and come to my rescue. To love me. To care deeply for me the way I already do-even though I do not have a clue who his alter ego is. Maybe he's a guy at church I pay little attention to, or a guy at school I pass in the halls every morning. Maybe he's one of my best guy friends,or my best girl friend's brother. (Hey, you never know the plans God has for you!). And while I find myself waiting, I also find myself wondering, too.

WHERE IS HE?

WHO IS HE?

WHAT DOES HE LOOK/ ACT LIKE?

WHAT DOES LIKE/DISLIKE?

IS HE SOMEONE GOD HAS SURLY DESTINED FOR ME TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I hate the waiting game! I hate being alone and wondering who I will end up with. Will it be the guy I have a major crush on? Or will it be the guy I have no interest in? Truth is. There is no such thing as Superman. For a guy to be 100% like Superman is an overrated expectation. I mean, to you, he's your Superman. But to expect him to be perfection (like I used to) is bogus. Maybe that's why I hate waiting. Because I know how imperfect he'll be, but how much I will love all those imperfections about him. It's because I want to love him NOW that irks me to no end.

I pray daily for God to place in my heart patience to wait for him. Maybe that's not such a good thing! You get what you usually pray for, right? And patience is a virtue. So, I am definitely getting an education in that area of life!

But, thought he's not the Superman I am waiting for-this perfect God-I know that God has plans for me to meet the guy of "my" dreams. My Superman. While I wait for Superman, I am going to pray for certain aspects of his life that I deem important.



you don't have to be in a relationship for that to be possible

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ― Dr. Seuss

Often times, after breaking up with the man I thought was the "love of my life", I would think how cruel it was of God to have played this incredibly insensitive joke on me. To have sent this man into my life, to have spent a year getting to know him--loving him--only to have him ripped out of my life without any warning. 




I have spend many a long night dreaming about what could have been if we were still together. What I could have done differently that might have made a difference-- something that might have made him stay. My heart was heavy. Full of anger and resentment towards God for taking away a part of my life that I felt I deserved. Someone I loved deeply. Someone that made me smile and giggle. Someone that made life worth fighting for. 




There comes a time in life after such an event that you face God and ask "Why?" There may not be an immediate answer, but the answer does come. It's been almost a full year since I have seen him--that guy I wanted to spend a lifetime on adventures with; a year since I have seen his smile. Held his face in my hand. Whispered in his ear accolades of affection. But, what strikes me now... is that...I do not miss any of it.  



Yes, I miss the presence of a man in my life. But, I do not miss him. I find myself freed by this realization. Free to be single and enjoy life, and wait for my moment in time when I am no longer the one sitting in a chair watching the bride walk down the isle, but actually the one whose wedding people attend. 




I wrote in my journal today. I often do with I am distressed or in deep thought and need to reflect. You see, there are times when I find myself in a depressed state of thinking where I pity myself for not being in a relationship. In truth, I desire it so very much. 


I want someone to notice me. Someone to be enthralled by my beauty and find me irresistible. I want someone to see me, like me, take an interest in me, and act on it. It's like finding a needle in a hay stack--the right guy to fit you like a jigsaw puzzle--flawless. However, I find that it is best left up to God. But one cannot help but try and speed up the process at times--even though time is needed to reach "perfection", or in this case, find the right guy. I had a talk today with a good friend that was quite revolutionary...it had to do with laying down my expectations and focusing on two important details: that he be forever in love with our God, forever crazy about me. Enamored. Captivated. Enthralled.

One thing I learned last night after talking with two sweet girlfriends was that God knows when each chapter of your life ends and when a new one begins. Sometimes the transition is longer that we would like. But each chapter is written as an intricate part of who we are. It's full of our life lessons, awesome discoveries, loves and losses, pain and healing. And when I look back on that relationship...I find that the saying is true: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all". That's how we grow, develop. If we keep love to ourselves we will never grow and blossom. And in many cases closing ourselves off to love closes out the world around us. There is something to be said--something powerful--about a woman who opens her heart, even if there is that risk of being rejected. It takes courage to bloom...to show love. I have learned that you don't have to be in a relationship for that to be possible.

love's enduring promise

**I have decided to come back into the blogging scene. I don't plan on being a highly dedicated blogger, but a random writer.**


I write this blog not for others, but mainly for myself, in hopes that maybe my struggles or thoughts might encourage and influence others who are dealing with similar things. This is my virtual world in which I regurgitate emotions, feelings, verbiage, and ideas that flood my mind daily. And right now, I have been thinking about marriage.


I mean, not in a bad way. But in a way that makes this single girl somewhat pity herself in her current situation. While I love being single, a part of me will never be satisfied with being single and alone. I am an introvert, yes, but that doesn't mean that I am incapable of loving. It's quite the opposite, I assure you. However, I am at a pivotal time in my life where I can either relish in the fact that God has be single for a reason, or I can become a hermit and give up on love and life altogether.


I am sure I will be married one day. But there is a limit to my patience, a limit to my wisdom. A limit to my having faith that this season of singleness too shall pass. However, without being a party-pooper, I have noticed that these things I find almost unbearable to suffer any longer, are some of the exact things God has given me the strength to endure.


I have read countless articles on being patient and praying for wisdom about these circumstances of singleness....They have either given me encouragement or suffered me to shame and guilt and worry that I will never find "the one".


I have learned that, while I am not very good at being patient, God will send me someone special. And while I wait, I must have patience that He will send me a sign that "this is the guy I am to marry" when the time is right.