ED's Devos: The Same God

September 18, 2012

I have recently discovered something. It's quite amazing, actually. Spectacular, if not tremendous. An eye-opener. A tribulation. A blessing, really. That sometimes is the power of music. In the moment-as you listen to a song you have never heard before-you hear something you never thought of to be true or possible. 

That happened to me while driving home from work today. You see, during my time with Burk, my eating disorder (I named him because I hated the name ED and the name Burk meat 'evil'; it worked out), I always questioned whether God was with me. Was he with me like he was during the days when I was healthy and thriving and free? Or was he rejecting me and giving up on me because of how backwards I'd become?

Those questions made my faith in God shake and quiver like an unsteady arrow. Which is technically what I was, because we're all arrows on God's quiver-who is launching us into amazing things and places. But I didn't see that then. I see it now, though. 

During that time, however, I was scared. Doubtful. I felt useless, misunderstood, awkward, and unworthy-of anything. Period. That's how ED (aka Burk) made me feel-like a dope addict. Eating and then purging was my drug. My brand of heroin. I was so far gone and beside myself in my eating disorder, that I was doubtful of God's work and presence in my life. He didn't feel 'there' like he did when I was focused on living for Him.

But I realized today that the same God who is with me now was also with me then, holding me tightly in his arms, breathing into me the very breath of life I needed to survive my regretful mistake, so that I could live to tell others about it-in hopes to encourage them to let go, love God, and give it all: pain, suffering, broken hearts, etc., to Him. 

Like it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1:
A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

That verse never meant much to me. I just always liked the way it sounded. I never thought much about it until now. Now there is meaning and depth in those verses that weren't there for me before. Man, I wish they had been obvious to me while I was dealing with Burk. Maybe I would have found comfort in knowing to everything there is a season.



1 comment

  1. I know it's hard sometimes to think God is really there when it feels like your heart and life is tearing apart. But what I've come to learn is that what we're doing or in the middle of right now, is just a small bit of a big picture. sometimes it takes years but you will see it.
    I was a God hateing, suicidle, self hating, self-serving Rx drug addic and anorexic all by the age of 11.
    I did not see the good of it. But I've come to know that what satian whats for evil God will use for good.
    Now God sends me people to love with those problems.
    And in all honesty, I still think of killing myself and still have problems with hating myself, and I think about the pills EVERY DAY. But God is a good dad and he never lets me hold what he wouldn't carry for me.
    He Loves you like water is wet. Even before the world was made he thought of you, no matter how thick the fog, or dark the night do not forget that, you are his art :)

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