The day is cold

A rainy day makes for a great desire to indulge in a large cup of mandarin green tea with a drizzle of honey, a warm blanket, a bowl of popcorn, and a cute movie. Picking up an action thriller novel and get lost in the fiery heat of the adventure. Editing pictures that have been suffocating in the confinement of my memory card. Spending time with my brother and sister and play a game of break-your-jaw Twister (that's seriously what looks like that when we play!). Listening to the same songs play on the radio every hour on the dot. Crocheting until my fingers cramp. To chase my cat around the house with clippers (trying to shave him, but the most I accomplish is looking like Edward Scissorhands!).

Rainy days are the best kind of days when you seriously want to get something done, but have been too preoccupied by the sun to do so. And that seems to happen to me most of the time! We've seriously needed some rain here in Tennessee. It's been as Hot at Hades and the lack of rain has effected a lot of the state's landscape, especially here in Middle Tennessee where we get a lot of the storms, but not a lot of the rain. 

In these times when the rain ceases to persist and the need and desire for the sun to peek through becomes too much to bear, it's not unlikely to find me in need of much needed entertainment. A need not even green tea-if I actually drank the stuff-, a good book, a game, or a movie could cure. Too much of this weather gets me into a slump-like state of being, and it becomes increasingly hard to climb out of as the weather continues to show off its ability to stay gray for days-on-end. 

According to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, some days must be dreary (he writes about it in his poem 
'The Rainy Day'):

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

Always behind the clouds the sun awaits to shine again. It seems to take an infinity to do so at times, though. And while I wait, my heart saddens. I get depressed, angry, irritated, antsy. I must not be able to take a leave of absence from the sun entirely well. It's an insufferable thing to have to wait for one's sun to break through the clouds and sprinkle down on the earth the warm rays and that Delicious Vitamin D! It's times like these that I look long and hard for an escape. From my feelings and pressing emotions that fill me up with grief, anger, or just a bit too much energy -ultimately threatening to make me have a overly-stimulated meltdown. (And like the song 'Be My Escape', I am constantly crying for God to be my escape on the days when the sun refuses to shine-physically and mentally). 

Yet, its days like this that I really need to take a step back and thank God for the life he's given me. It's a dreary day, yeah. But it might be my last day, too. So instead of moping around, I need to try to be happy no matter what the weather is. David in the book of Palms rejoices in the days he's been given, and he bids me to do the same as his words practically scream out to me in a boisterousness song. Motioning to me to join this unheard of movement-a celebration of the days we've been blessed with, even those days that are frustrating and bleak.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

This afternoon, while loneliness was encroaching on my semi-good day today, I popped in one of my favorite Disney movies, Bambi. When I feel the urge to use-or have used-behaviors, I like to watch a Disney movie. My Therapist says it's a negative coping skill because it's "childish". And because I am working on fitting into my Adult Suit, I should be doing things that insinuate adulthood rather than backtracking to the realm of childhood. It's not progression, it's digression, she says. But as for what I think, I am all about whatever works as a distractions or a means of feeling at peace and comfortable for at least an hour. If I want to feel like a child, then gosh-darn-it, I am going to do it! 

So he's been my afternoon buddy. Not really a comfort physically-I would rather cuddle with my kitty, but in the emotional and physiological sense, it's a much needed therapy session and break from "reality". When watching a Disney movie I get to go back in time and be a kid again. Something I would love to go back and relive now-and-then. Differently, maybe, but I would like to relive my childhood now that I know what I should have done. 

While reliving the good-old-days has it's benefits, I do not like to visit them too often. Every time I do revisit them, I am often disappointed when I come back to reality and realize that my dreams, fantasy or past is totally different from the present and future moments that lay before me. I love my memories, but they often spoil the excitement I should have about the future. And in accordance with this, God's Word relays this message:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. Isaiah 43:18

Even though this may not be the most "appropriate" song ever, I thought it fit well into the context of what I mentioned about leaving the past behind and trying to move forward.


Thus my day ends here, at 9:06 pm after a long day of doing nothing except for this-and-that, which don't seem imperative to the great scheme of life. But in relative terms you could say that my day was productive in other areas. I unloaded 2 weeks of deep seeded anger and emotional turmoil while at my visit with my therapist and now I feel so much freer and lighter. 

While I often feel broken and the odd-man-out with an eating disorder admits those that know nothing about it, I am strangely contented by the fact that those around be don't suffer. For the fact, mainly, because they don't have to deal with what I have to go through, but also because they are in their right mind enough to help me get mine back!

So I bid you a restful night and fast approaching weekend. I am going to go now and rest my head on my pillow, read a few pages of my current reading and then hit the hay. Of course, with that I hope that I have a restful sleep and dream of something nice-for once! Hope you do too. Night. ;)


  1. I think I tend to forget to thank God for everyday, even the not so great ones. We have to live each day to the fullest and not complain, because there really is so much to be thankful for!

    1. I have to agree with you. The not so good days are just as much a part of the blessings God gives us as the good days. It's up to us whether we choose to see it that way. Difficult, I know, but it can be done. Challenging the negative thoughts is a great way to prove to make yourself see that each day is a good day, regardless if it's rain or shine.

      Thanks for the comment, Michal!

      I appreciate hearing your thoughts.



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