The soundtrack to my life

July 31, 2012

Here is something delightfully fun that I thought I would do. Truth be told I am bored! I got the idea, or the whole thing rather, from Merriam Neal . <--love this girl! Her blog is amazing. -.-

Opening Credits: This Is Me by Demi Lovato, Joe Jonas/Dare You To Move by Swichfoot
Waking Up: Good Morning by Mandisa (feat. TobyMac)/Good Life by OneRepublic
First Day of School: The Homeschooler Song by Tim Hawkins (LOL)
Making Your New Best Friend: You've Got a Friend In Me by Randy Newman
Falling in Love: Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney/Young Hearts by Commuter/Would You Go With Me by Josh Turner
Breaking Up: Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar/You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
Missing You: Missing You by Letters & Lights
Prom: Dance Alone by Love Generation
Graduation: Firework by Katy Perry/ Part of Me by Katy Perry
Life’s Okay: Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray/Good To Be Alive by Jason Gray/Metero Shower by Owl City/ This Is Your Life by Siwtchfoot
Death of a Close Friend: I'll See You Again by Westlife/I Still Miss You by Hawk Nelson
Mental Breakdown: Going Under by Evanescence/Breakdown by Group1Crew
Driving: Galaxies by Owl City/Life if a Highway by Rascal Flatts
Flashback: Me Without You by TobyMac/Atmosphere by TobyMac
Getting Back Together: My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson
Birth of a Child: All-American Girl by Carrie Underwood
Wedding Scene: Somed
ay Soon by Francesca Battistelli
Car Accident: Gun Powder and Lead by Miranda Lambert
Final Battle: This is War by MBLAQ
Death Scene: Just Died In Your Arms Tonight by Smokie/Don't Forget to Remember Me by Carrie Underwood
Funeral Song: Don's Stop Believin' by Journey/You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins
End Credits: Dive by Steven Curtis Chapman

There you have the soundtrack to my life for my 19th year, even though many of those events won’t be happening (I”m homeschooled, don’t do prom, and I hope none of my friends die! O_o)  What’s yours?

miscellany Monday #1

July 30, 2012

1. Every day on my blog feels like a miscellany Monday. Or a random, totally nonsensical Monday. This is, of course, in a good way! Mondays happen to be one of my favorite days of the week.
I am pretty sure because it's always a fresh chance for me to get this upcoming week right. To bring new life to the week and experience things that I wasn't able to the week prior.

2. Mondays are good. Thursday I am not so sure about. I hate that day of the week. lol

3. I am in love with the idea of having a nook for a bed! It's like a hide-away without ever having to go far to find one.

4. Nothing that I do is ever the perfect or done exactly the same. I like originality and diversity. I'm also big into randomness and am very likely to be the person that will not do the same thing twice (unless it doesn't bother me to do so).
 Redundancy is so not a part of who I am. I get bored, er, distracted...okay, both...very easily!

5. I watched a crazy movie called 'Zoolander' with my brother the other day and I think I am pretty much ruined on drinking tea. There was something in the tea that the cast drank that made them act all euphoric and stuff. It was like being in a crazy 70's shag rug peace pipe movie or something.
Very psychedelic.
I knew there was a reason I didn't drink it and my notions were spot on. ;p lol

6. I find skimming the top of the pool free of sweat bees to be very entertaining. I guess when you're inside all day doing house work and school you're sanity tends to fly out the door. With all the sweat bees drowning in the pool this year by self induced suicide, there's always some to skim out. It's also a great way to get a sun tan.

6. My favorite images of the day:

7. Visited a new church yesterday and for the first time felt at home in a church. Going back next week, baby!

8. After the death of my kitty-cat, I have been praying that God would allow me to get another cat. He has since answered that prayer. Just Saturday night I was blessed to have found a breeder who had exactly what I was looking for. So I now have a 2 week old kitten waiting for me to pick him up when he's old enough. <3

Have a great week, guys! 

Tomatoes, helium, and a dose of courage

July 28, 2012

Today has been one of those odd days in where I have chattered non-stop, have the energy of a five-year-old (is there a way to bottle this? I could use it on my slow days!), and have been helping my mom can tomatoes and garden. I can't recall a time recently when I have felt, well, filled. As to what I mean by filled I am not entirely sure. I don't know if it is because I feel accomplished due to having been brave enough to can tomatoes without my mom helping, or the fact that I am able to spend time with her and help her out like I used to. 

But, I think it also has to do with the fact that I have been getting serious about diving into God's Words and really trying to see what applicable truths wait to be discovered. You see, while this may be one of those various mood swings, I do not think it all for nothing. It's like I have been living a life that is the prime example of John 16:22 - "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." I haven't felt this happy or excited since I left Renfrew and to be this way on my own without the help of anyone but God is amazing to me. It's really encouraging to me, and through this little glimmer of amazing happiness I am able to see a small light at the end of my tunnel. 


Also, today my brother, sister, and I-actually while I am currently writing this-decided that sucking on some helium filled balloons was a good source of Saturday entertainment. It was the first time my brother and myself have ever done this, so naturally we were very amused. My brother, who can already make his voice sound like he's sucked on an hours worth of helium, found it irresistible to shout out "I'm Justin Bieber!" over and over again. 

My sister is hilarious with this stuff. She's like a natural comedian, so she's always got something funny to say.   And her facial expressions as she was sucking the helium was so laughable. What a hoot! As for myself, my helium expedition was a flop. Like I said: first time. I ended up trying to breath in the helium, but when I talked nothing. I didn't sound squeaky at all. Oh, well! It was still a blast watching and listening to my brother. I even got it on video. =]


I found this video devotional on YouTube presented by mywomensministry. The videos they have on their channel have been a wonderful source of encouragement for me and have taught me a lot. They've also brought me step-by-step closer to God and wanting to dive in and do my own devotionals. So, it's been a wonderful tool. I thought you might like the one I have posted (below). It's amazing how she presents courage in an analogy that I can understand, as well as one that is useful. 


'Grieving God's Way' = helpful, insightful, and inviting. If you haven't heard of this book before I suggest you check it out. Especially if you have recently suffered a loss.

I've only done Day One, but even with that I have began to feel differently about the loss that I have suffered. Not in any way similar is the loss of a cat to a human life, but when your heart strings are wound tightly in with an animals, like mine were with my cat, then the feelings become almost one in the same. 

But the very first day was showing me that there is a time to grieve and a time to laugh, be happy, and move on. It was also helpful to see that there's a reason why I have been feeling the way I have been since my cat's death: sluggish, slow, and somewhat dazed. Obviously that's how God planned for us to grieve, so that the impact of our losses wouldn't hit us like a 2-ton boulder. 

I cannot wait to see what Day Two has in store for me. I am still very much raw from the loss of my cat, but I am praying and trusting in the Lord that all things will work out for the good of His Kingdom and purpose in my life. 

I rest in knowing that my cat is in Heaven adding a bit of spunk and personality to the mix. And whether I really want it to happen or not, I am slowly feeling a transition come over me that is taking me from doom and gloom into reassurance and peace. That, that is greatly needed!

Have a spectacular weekend, guys. And have fun watching the Olympics. 

ED's Devos: I am Significant

July 27, 2012

I know, second post of the day. Eh, kind of forgot I had this one scheduled, but I was excited about the Olympics. Haha!
These devotionals don't necessarily have to apply to those with strictly eating disorders, though they are directed more towards girls struggling with that than anything else. But regardless of what we're struggling with, we all are faced with the same things now-and-then. These emotions, longings, desires, fears, etc., aren't targeted for those dealing with an eating disorder specifically. We're all human. We all fall short. How we fall short, though is different for a lot of us. 

I am Significant
Today's Scripture
"But God shows and clearly proves His [own] love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One) died for us." Romans 5:8 AMP

I have a hard time viewing myself as significant. Why? Because I feel so small compared to all these powerful people. All these teens that are sure of themselves, and seem to have it all together. Compared to them I feel like a beached whale floundering about on land, gasping for water to hydrate my parched scales.
There are times when I think that if I had my own successful teen business, or got straight As, or got an awesome score on the ACT, or had the best job ever, was popular, prettier, skinnier, all of the above, that that would make me a significant player in the scheme of life.
Yet having it all so I can "feel" that I am significant doesn't do me a bit of good. These earthly possessions and accomplishments and awards are materialistic and will fade away. Will the things that deteriorate over time make me any more significant that I already am in the eyes of the Lord? No! My significance is solely based on how God views me. And that's more significance than what I would acquire through a job, popularity, or good looks. 
The amazing thing is that I am significant because God LOVES me. Because Jesus died on the cross for my sins--while I was still a sinner!
Living Free says that "No matter what you have or haven't done, look at God's Word to find your reflection of significance. Nothing and no one can take that from you. You are significant because of God's great love for you--now and forever."
Take a look at a few of the verses that reflect our significance:
  • I am God's temple (the temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
  • I am a branch of the true vine. (John 15:1, 5)
  • I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (John 15:16)
  • I am seated with Christ in heaven. (Ephesians 2:6)
  • I am God's workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)
  • I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Ephesians 3:12)
  • I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
When you start spending time in God's Word--I am sure you will find many more reflections!
Prayer (taken from Living Free)
Lord, thank you for loving me. I don't understand how I can be significant to you, but I thank you that I am
In Jesus' name ....

London Olympics 2012

The All-American favorite-sports. To watch all of the sports we Americans participate in condensed into one location in contrast to other countries that we are to compete with is very exciting. The Olympics is an age-old tradition, but something many of us still look forward to watching on TV or live every four years. It's almost as exciting as the Presidential Elections and seeing who comes out on top!

I am watching the beginning of the 2012 Olympics at 6:30 tonight on NBC. I most definitely will be following Gymnastics, Swimming, Diving, Judo, and Taekwando. I am an avid fan of water sports and well as Martial Arts, so I am so thrilled to be watching them this year! Michael Phelps is my all-time favorite male swimmer and I have yet to pick my favorite Martial Artist and Gymnast out of the bunch. I can tell you one thing, though. I will be routing for U.S.A! Part of me wishes American Football was an Olympic sport. Nothing says an All-American good time like watching Football! 

Watching the Olympics is big in my house. Do you all plan on watching the 2012 Olympics this year? 


July 25, 2012

Batman is a dark, sinister-looking character fashioned after something that he very much fears-bats. (Whatever happened to the blue cape?) And why bats? Because he's afraid of them, obviously; but due to the mysteriousness and aloofness of a nocturnal animal, acutely representing the potential good in Gotham City. "Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot," Wayne remarks, "So my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must be a creature of the night, black, terrible..." (1989 Batman).

I have a difficult time processing how a superhero can be so dark. To each his own, for sure. But I don't see the awesomeness of a movie that involves a super rich playboy wearing a bat suit driving wicked tanks and wearing a cool gadget belt. To me, the gadgets and cool bat suit don't make a man or woman a hero. It's what they do it for that makes them a hero. If becoming a hero-because you're grief-stricken and mad about the death of your parents and want to avenge their death-means you are a hero than almost anyone can be a hero if that was the case.

Honestly, Batman doesn't come across as a gallant hero. Not to me. He's dark. How many superheros wear dark colors because they wish to blend in with the darkness and use that as their guise? Look at the superheros that have been on the big screen lately. Their costume is brightly colored. Superman is blue and red. Spider-man is red and blue (with a black spider). Captain America is red, white and blue. Iron Man is red and gold. The Hulk And I know that the Black Widow is dressed in black, but there is something about her that does not scream "darkness" like Batman. She represents, to me at least, a woman who is wildly confident and empowered-a model for all girls (who can see her and think "hey, if she can do that, then I can do anything"). 

Superheros poses a certain quality that I don't see Batman having in his expensive arsenal. Humility. I think that is what I like the least about this newer version of Batman. I have a hard time with a superhero, so-to-speak, being so arrogant. I even had a difficult time liking Iron Man because he was so flamboyant and self-righteous. It also has to do with the people playing these characters, of course. Iron Man and Batman are both played by self-righteous men, in my opinion. But one thing that made me start liking Iron Man, as opposed to Batman was his progression and growth in the movies he's played in compared to Batman (who I consider to be one of the least progressing superhero characters ever created). 

In every movie I have seen (so far, not to say this may happen miraculously in the last movie that's in theaters now), Batman has been ridiculously arrogant, coming off as pushy and self-absorbed. Maybe it's just Christian Bale. Could be. I have never been fond of him, either. And neither, it seems, carry the characteristic that I admire the most in a superhero, which would be humility. A willingness to accept failures and defeat. Yet, never backing down from a fight, and always having a willingness to die for others. Batman may be willing to die for others, but in my perspective, for the glory. Superheros like Captain America die for others because it's their duty, not because of the fame or glory that may potentially follow upon their passing. 

Okay, I'll stop venting. It's probably safe to say people are going to shun me because I don't care for Batman....but I don't care. It's not like I have committed a cardinal sin or anything like that. It's not that I am trying to change people's opinion on Batman, or make them hate him. I just don't understand why everyone is so crazed about a man in a bat suit? I guess you could ask me the same question about Superman or Captain America. But this is my blog, so I have the liberty to ponder on whatever topic I want. Sorry if I got you all worked up, I was just presenting my own views. 

Note: After reading this, I think my aversion to Batman is mainly due to the actor who plays him. It didn't strike me before, but it makes sense now. I prefer the cartoon Batman (not near as dark or threatening to me), but this new version of Batman is really, to me, distasteful. And again, I think it's more-so the actor who plays him than anything else. If you get what I mean. 


Also, I would like to mention that there will be a chance to win 'Be Still Me Soul'-book one of the The Cadence of Grace Series-by author Joanne Bischof on October 5th. If you like Historical Romance I suggest you mark the date on your calender and be one of the first to read this book. From what Joanne has told me, this book sounds like it's going to be a fantastic read. And I cannot wait for it's release in October!

Here's the preview. Isn't the cover just lovely!?

Gideon only ever cared
about himself.
Now that Lonnie is his
wife, will he ever be
worthy of her heart?

Set in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia at the turn of the last century, Be Still My Soul weaves together the threads of yearning, hope, and redemption to form a tale that I hope will touch your heart, stir your senses, and evoke a greater understanding for the majestic God who created every hue and surface of the mountains I hold so dear. (Joanne Bischof: Heartfelt Fiction).

If you want to learn more about Joanne and her beautiful book, set to release in October, please visit her website here. I look forward to seeing you on October 5th!!

Snowbell {rest in peace, dear friend; July 2, 2012}

July 24, 2012

12 years is such a long time to fit into one day of goodbyes....
When I came home from my trip up North I was faced with a decision to make about my cat, Snowbell: let him pass away in pain at home from kidney failure, or, put him down in a sterile vet's office and immediately end the suffering.

It's not an easy decision to make, regardless of the known facts about the pain he will ultimately be in at home-if I were to let him pass there. It would been rough on me emotionally-seeing him suffer so much. But it would be rough on Snowbell, too, who would be the one in physical pain while I stood by the side watching him dwindle and suffer, and scream out in agony.

"Deal with it. He's just a cat". That is the advice some would give to a person who has just been through a traumatic loss of their dearest and nearest friend. It sounds crazy when you think about it-and sometimes I even think I am going insane-when I say that Snowbell is not a cat but my best friend for ever is hard to let him go. To say goodbye to 'someone' who has been there with you, cried with you, laughed with you, and endured the hardest times of you life with you. 

How can you say goodbye without crying? How can you let go of an angel who has been there for you till his dying days; who taught you-in a small, but very important way-how to love and enjoy all of life's moments (even if they were with a cat!)?

I remember it like it were yesterday: 

The whole family-dad, Gerald, Stephanie, mom and I-hopped out of our family van. We had spent most of the morning and some of the afternoon in search of the right kitten for my sister. She had been forever begging Dad to let her get a cat. 

Dad opened the door to the Sumner County Humane Society and went up to the counter. He asked the receptionist with cat eye glasses where the best place to start looking for an animal to adopt would be. She told my dad, as she made gestures with her large man-hands, that there were puppy kennels (which were really dog kennels for all ages) in the back of the dark dingy building, kittens to the left of the desk, and adult cats to the right. 

Dad looked to Stephanie who was practically bounding with excitement, her short jet black hair swishing wildly about her face and into her gaping mouth. "Where do you want to go first?" Dad asked. He pointed to the dog kennel in the back, hinting towards possibly getting a dog rather than a 'litter slinging feline'.

Stephanie, the little critter lover that she was, automatically raced off towards the sound of the boisterous dogs crowded in the back kennels. As she led the way, the rest of the family followed, mom right behind Stephanie telling her to not touch the dogs. 

The dogs didn't seem to hold much interest for Stephanie. With the dogs out of the way, she headed back to the cat rooms, choosing first to head into the room where the adult cats were held. Even to this day I think she regrets not having gone to visit the babies first!

We never did actually get to visit the kittens, because the minute my dad stepped into the adult cat room, he was sold. While Stephanie was memorized by two very fat cats, dad's 'let's think logically about this' powers were no match for this doll faced, blue pointed Himilayan's cuteness factor. And with that, all reasoning went out the door. 

I stood on the outside of the room with mom and my younger brother Gerald. He was too young to play nice with the cats, and mom had to keep him from wandering off, so she didn't go in. That didn't hinder her from seeing the colorful array of kitties, though.

Unlike my mom, who looked on with more refinement than myself, I stood on the outside, face pressed on the glass window, watching the cats bathe themselves, eat, potty, play, and fight. And of course there was my sister fluttering around from one cat to the next, petting them, hugging them, feeding them, and talking to them. 

And dad, well, he was fixated on this little cotton ball that had magically appeared from underneath some shelving. I didn't even see him. I could barely even count the number of cats on one hand, and I was ready to leave anyway because I was bored and hungry. 

Mom, knowing I had a fetish for all things soft and fluffy, did eventually direct my attention-away from my silly sister who had fixed herself on a fat black and white Tom-to where dad was sitting petting this, this fluff ball

Looking at Snowbell through the glass windows of the adult cat room at the Animal Shelter, I didn't really know what to think.  Part of me wanted to run in and cuddle with him; the other part of me wanted nothing to do with him.

Eventually dad motioned for me to come see Snowbell. I did go and try to pet the cat. I'd never seen a flat faced cat before. He looked alien to me. But he didn't want anything to do with me, so I decided that two could play at that game. And when he did come around to showing me affection, I ignored him and left.  

"Awe, Emily. Did you not like the cat?" My mom asked me when I returned. 
"Why not? He's so fluffy and soft. Go back in there and pet him."
For whatever reason I was about to cry. I could feel the tears welling up in my throat, so I made up a lie that I hoped would get me out of having to explain why I did't want to go back in.
"He's an ugly cat, mom. Are we going to get him? I don't want to go back in because it's too hairy and my nose itches." 
Mom looked at me and frowned, but gave up. In truth, that room was nothing but a humid turbine of cat hair, and it really was making my nose itch!

Dad had moved Snowbell around so mom could see him more closely. For a moment I thought I was actually falling in love with the thing. He was cute, I guess. But the tough me wanted to ignore that and move on.

I stood for a long time looking at Snowbell's face, it was all scrunched up, he was fluffier than a q-tip, and had the bluest eyes! But none of that made me want him anymore than I wanted to stay there and keep searching for 'the one'.

Little did I know that the search for 'the one' was over the minute Snowbell peeked his little round head out from under the shelving. And when dad came out of the room with Snow in his arms, mom smiled and asked him where he'd been hiding. 

"He came out from under the shelving." Dad answered.
"You mean no one knew he was there?" I screeched. "Is that why he's still here?" I asked.
"I guess..." Said mom petting Snow on the head. She then looked to me and said, "He was probably so scared that he hid under those shelves and hasn't been out much since. What gets me, though, is why anyone would drop off such a beautiful cat and not try to find a home for it?"

It did make me wonder. And it also made me a little sad to think that his owner didn't love Snowbell enough to find him a new mommy; instead, he was abandoned and left to fend for himself against twenty other starving cats who were ten times bigger.

It didn't make me want him anymore, though. I was actually resenting the idea of getting the cat 1) because he would be Stephanie's cat (I mean, that's who we were getting him for) and, 2) because I didn't like cats. Well, at that time in my life, I hated pretty much everything. Nothing brought me joy or made me the slightest bit happy.

Stephanie didn't like the idea of Snowbell having been chosen to be her new cat. She was more focused on the black and white one.

And if it wasn't for dad having been such a softy and a sucker for all things fluffy, we probably would have ended up with that little fatty. But we didn't get that one; and to this day Stephanie hasn't liked Snowbell very much!

We ended up bringing Snowbell home after I insisted on calling him Snowbell. That's because my sister wanted to name him something ridiculous and unflattering. I think she attemped to call him Stewart or Cheddar or something like that. And even though I wanted no part of this cat and could have cared less to bring him home, I wasn't going to have him named something that didn't seem to fit

The name Stewart did bring up a name, thought. Actually, Snowbell is the name of the cat in Stewart Little, and since the two looked so alike, that's how Snow got his name-from a movie star kitty!

I think it must have taken me months to get used to him. His initial introduction to our home wasn't to be desired. He was scared, not to mention thin and very vocal. I think some of that was due to his vet visit before we brought him home. He's never liked being poked and prodded, and this visit to the vet was no different. 

After his visit to the vet (they said me was a male, but couldn't tell for sure; and that Snowbell was at least three years of age), mom introduced him to our Border Collie at the time. That didn't go too well-Snowbell hated the dog-and then we put him in a room to himself so he could get acclimated to the hustle and bustle of our busy little homeschool life. 

He seemed to do well. He ate, drank, and enjoyed his regular grooming sessions immensely (still has to his dying days!). 

One day, not to long after we brought Snow home, Mom told me that I should try to "connect" with the cat by brushing him. I think she was getting tired of doing everything for the cat, plus doing house chores and homeschooling, and taking care of the dog. And Stephanie wasn't interested in the cat after all! So I got the job. Like it or not...Oh, boy! Like I was really looking forward to touching that thing. 

Soon mom let Snowbell out of his little room and moved him up stairs into my room. After the time I had spent with him I was starting to warm up to the idea of having a odd-faced, fluffy cotton ball of a cat hanging around; but that all went south after the first night with him in my room. 

I'd been used to uninterrupted sleep for some time, and when he was released, it was as if a wild ape or mountain lion had been allowed to roam free in the jungle. And unfortunately for me, I was the pray. 

That very night, after being completely annoyed with Snowbell and having no sleep whatsoever, I packed his little butt up and carried him all the way back down to his little room where he first started at. 

Now we're inseparable! Yes, he grew on me. I tell mom all the time that he's my angel. And I swear that he was purposefully sent by God to not only teach me the value of time, but patience, too. And one important lesson I think Snowbell has taught me thus far is this: TO LOVE. 

Snowbell has allowed me to share his life with him. And I have been so blessed and fortunate enough to have been given the chance to love someone so open, loving, willing, and perfect. He may not be human, but he's definitely been there more times than I can count to mend my broken heart; to soak up the tears I cry; to do my school work with me; to read Twilight and Lord of the Rings with me; to watch TV with me; to move into a new home with me; to calm me down; to help me through an anxiety attack; to help me feel-emotionally and physicality; to pick me up when I am sad; to cheer me up when I am mad, and to make me laugh more times that I can count! 

Snowbell has been my companion-my loving, true friend. He's been with me throughout most of his life, especially amid the fires of my eating disorder; and in his last few days here on this earth, I am going to do the same for him. I am going to be matter what.

Looking back, I'd give anything to have him wrestling me out of my sleep by nudging me with his little slate colored nose, and blinking at my wildly with his starry blue eyes. I would give anything to hear him purr and meow; to hear him claw at the closet door when he wants in; to hear him clean himself; to hear him eat; to watch him play; to see him walking around the corner of the bed just as I get ready to open his bag of treats. I would give anything to watch him drink out of the tub, sleep on my bed, hide in the closet, lace himself through my legs, to have him look up at me and almost smile as if he were saying "everything's going to be alright". I would give anything to hear his blue snowshoe-like feet romp around on the bedroom floor, slinging that cat litter into the air as he buries his body in the litter anticipating a game of hide-and-seek with himself!

Oh, how I would give anything to go back in time and relive life all over again just to spend one more day with my little man! 


It's going to all be okay, right? I will see you again soon. Heartache is only for a little while. You promise not to forget me? You promise you won't have too much fun without me, right? Oh, how I will miss you! I will miss everything about you!! But I know that angels always go to Heaven; and in my heart I know that whenever a bell rings you've gotten your wings. Because that's what a guardian angel deserves-to have wings. So remember what I always tell you: "be good, sweetie! Be good".

And so the Saga continues

July 23, 2012

Today was relatively good. Got up and did the normal things I usually do, and then headed out the door with my mom and brother to the Mennonites that live close by in Kentucky. I always have loved the experience of going to the Mennonites and watching them in their "habitat". They're regular people like us, but the way they choose to do things is a striking contrast. Their life is hard, but peaceful. They have no distractions as far as the media is concerned. They're close-knit and very religious. They're not always so sure of the English, but when they do warm up, they are the sweetest, jolliest people you'll ever meet!

My mom, brother, and I went there this morning to get some tomatoes to make into tomato juice, some squash for dinner, and then to get some canning flats for the jars. Can't quite can without lids! That would be a messy ordeal to have to clean up afterwards. And an even smellier one if allowed to spoil. But I don't have to worry about that, so I am good!

Went to my therapist session today that was actually scheduled for tomorrow. I thought today was Tuesday for some reason, so I drive myself there thinking my appointment was today, only to find out that it wasn't. Haha! Good thing the guy that was supposed to have that appointment time wasn't there, so I got to take his slot and have my session early! A divine intervention from God, for sure! It's really nice to have someone to talk to that can help you think through your thoughts and help you make sense of them. 

Oh, and I seem to be really good at making up new words. And today is no exception, as well as yesterday and the day before. I am really wracking up a lot of words-almost enough to write my own dictionary. Okay, maybe not...

"There's a new Spooferman coming out!"-Me  <--I meant to say Superman! lol


"I love washing myself with my Blove Bar!"-Me <--I meant to say Dove bar! Ha!

My mom also came up with a funny word last week. We were talking about fish for some odd reason and she said something and then said something else and vuala the word FLISH was born. I don't know if that's a real word-probably not-but I about died laughing. Oh, it's awesomely entertaining when your mom is suffering from the lack of sleep. ;p

Here are some new photos I took recently of my cat Yoder. They're not the best, but might be interesting. (Warning, there may be a photo overload). \O/
This is Yoda, otherwise known as Yoder. 
Oh, gees! Um, did I mention he's not the least bit shy?!

Find your Beauty

July 22, 2012

To know that there are other girls out there struggling to love themselves in the way they were created to be by Christ is comforting. But, it's also very disconcerting that Satin could ensnare so many women to feel so little about themselves.

I'm currently re-reading 'Captivating' by Stacey Eldridge and it's amazing the lies Satin pulls us into and would have us believe because we are a threat to him. Women are so influential and when all of us are inactive, then a lot of our influence dies with our courage and strength. We were born captivating, and Satin above all, would rather us not see that. Because if we did, there's no telling what would happen!

Another Chapter in the Books

July 21, 2012

My days vary. I never know from one day to the next what's going to happen, or what I am going to be doing. (Okay, some things are a given)! But my days don't ever go exactly as planned. In some ways this bums me out and puts me in a panic, seeing that the things I wanted to get done never got done because of other factors that got in the way. 

Ah, life happens. So I must continue to live as though each day were my last and take each day one moment at a time-regardless of the many things I have planned to do on that particular day. Some things get done, I am happy to report. Though they aren't as many as I would like to hope would be accomplished. It's a part of allowing life to just ebb and flow, to move with the punches, and just take life as it comes. 

What I did today:

>> Edited photos
>> Blogged
>> Cleaned the bathroom and swept the down stairs
>> Embroidered
>> Sold a custom American Girl doll on eBay
>> Listened to the radio
>> Sang one line to a song that's been stuck in my head all day
>> Went to Walmart and Krogers
>> Ate breakfast and lunch and dinner
>> Watched Tarzan on Disney Jr. 
>> Surfed Pinterest
>>Worked out at home

What I wish I'd done today:
>> Wrote and amazingly God-inspired blog post
>> Was spontaneous and did a went out to take new photos
>> Went to the Library
>> Hung out at Opry Mills Mall
>> Cuddle with my widdle Snowbell
>> Wrote more in my book
>> Journaled
>> Went to the Gym
>> Finished Bambi
>> Spent more time with my family
>> Thanked God more for His blessings
>> Went outside and fully enjoyed the day

So, I obviously didn't get a whole lot of what I wish I had done done today. But there's always tomorrow and the day after. And if I don't ever get the chance, then it may be that it's not meant to be, or that I didn't have enough courage to try harder. Hope to get some of this "wish I had done" stuff actually done tomorrow. I hope. There's always next week, though. So, who knows. Something better might come along in the process!

Later. :)

ED's Devos

July 20, 2012

With life being a constant boiling pot of stresses and potential triggers, you can expect people to get a little unnerved-even angry. Oh, especially angry. But is it okay to get angry? I mean, if it were okay to be angry, then why does everyone treat it as if it were a cardinal sin? Being angry is an emotion, right? Then why is it that this "emotion" is scorned and frowned upon? Why can we not express this emotion without being looked down on for reacting the "wrong" way? 

This is how I often think when I am told to keep quiet when others are tired of me expressing myself. I am usually angry. I don't know how to be anything else but angry right now. And when I try to express myself in a calm manner, the anger inside just bubbles over. It's not that I am acting inappropriately or discourteously; it's just because I have let my emotions fume inside for so long. 

I have come to believe that most people don't want to deal with that emotion. Anger is a scary emotion to be exposed to. No one wants to be on the receiving end of someone's wrath. And while it may not even be directed towards them, the very idea of having to listen to someone rant and rave isn't all lightning bugs and sunshine. Believe me!

So, like most, people would rather walk away and let you smolder in your anger than listen and understand where that anger is coming from. At the moment anger is the only way to express yourself. It's like playing a game to see whose turn it is to make an appearance- Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? 

When trying to be contentious of myself and my behavior during my disordered moods, I notice that when I am at a moment of relative calmness, I am more timid and reserved and afraid. People around me think that this is the best time to ask me questions concerning my disorder. Wrong! It's a well-known fact that when asked a question I don't feel like answering, you're likely to get Mr. Hyde. But, I have noticed that whether I am in a good mood or people are timidly asking questions, it doesn't exactly help me when I am struggling express my feelings. When trying to express myself clearly and calmly, nothing at this point can avert the disastrous outburst of rage that leaves me feeling communicatively crippled. 


Today's Scripture
“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."Isaiah 30:15 NIV 
A lot of this anger, I come to find is due to feeling a sense of imbalance in my spiritual life. When life gives you Lemons make Lemonade, right? So when all life's demands become stressful, then we need what's called "quite time". 

Living Free says that "being quiet in God's presence will supply confidence. He can help us control our anger as we let him provide strength to deal with difficult people and situations. Quiet time with God will help us be calm rather than lashing out in anger. His strength will help us overcome self and sin."

So, like me, the next time you feel overcome with the urge to lash out in anger because you feel there is no other way to express yourself, or get your point across, take a breather. Let God take over and guide you. And if you are just too worked up, go write in your journal and let those emotions go. Letting them go is far better than allowing them to eat you alive.

And when you are done with that, but still do not feel confident in verbally expressing yourself, do what I do and write a letter. Sometimes writing allows me to clearly present my feelings to those I want to understand how I am feeling.It's less confrontational. You've already gotten your feelings out, and when it does come time to talk about how you're feeling openly, you'll know that the people you're talking to know how you feel. So there's no reason to get angry! (Unless you do, then step away and breathe)!

Pray (taken from Living Free)
Father, I know I have not been faithful in spending daily quiet time with you. Please forgive me. As I begin to spend more time alone with you, teach me to listen. Teach me to be sensitive and obedient to the Holy Spirit. Enable me to walk in peace . . . and not in anger. In Jesus' name . . .