no thief like fear

I believe fear is an innate sense of trying to protect one's self from harm. But I also believe that this sense can, at times, do more harm than good; that it shows my inability as a human to put my trust in the Lord and rely on His perfect and sound judgment.

Fear is an enemy force that grows more and more debilitating and controlling as I continue to allow it to consume  every waking moment of my life. And that is, well, a problem. Fear is all around me. It is a part of everything I do. It controls the choices I make, how I do things, where I go, what I write, how I live, even the photos I take. Fear...it is almost as if it was ingrained into the very fibers of my being.

However, the choice is mine whether I am to give into those fears, or face them and conquer them. 2 Timothy 1:7 says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." Yet, how can that be when fear is always present? What is it like to be of good courage? To have that absence of fear? When does it get easier to face these fears rather than being okay with being afraid and living in fear, regardless of how miserable it makes me? What I have come to realize is that while I feel broken for feeling constantly afraid, it is a good thing. A natural thing. A part of growing. Something that accompanies the different times of life where I am changing, developing, discovering, and uncovering who I am and what I am here on earth to do. 

But that fear...can either make me or break me. And I am determined to conquer this fear of life rather than have it conquer me. 

Funny thing, I realized for the first time, in a genuine down-to-earth, get-down-on-my-knees-at-the-feet-of-Jesus kind of moment that fear is all consuming. Controlling. Defeating. Blinding. A prison. 

And so often I go crazy over the idea of being caged. I get mad. Resentful. And I play the role of the victim, because it isn't like it's my fault or anything. I am not the reason fear is keeping me down.

All to often, out of the blue God seems to grab me by the arm, give me a little shake back into reality. It is my choice to live in fear or face it with the courage of the Lord. Instead, I wallow in the pool of self-pity, gasping for air. Wishing I could breathe that sweet air that those who trust in the Lord can breath. Longing to have the strength that only those who have faith in His divine and Masterful works can muster. 

When I think of being imprisoned by fear, my mind always goes to a scene in Lord of the Rings: Two Towers between Aragorn and Éowen. This particular scene (if you are familiar with it) embodies the very essence of the fears that I often confront. 

Aragorn - "What do you fear my lady?" 
Éowyn - "A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.
Aragorn - "You are a daughter of Kings! A Shieldmaiden of Rohan! I do not think that will be your fate."

Will that not be our fate? To be caged. To live out our deepest and darkest fears? I have always thought of that scene to be one that, in my mind, represents a conversation that the Lord and I have had on more than one occasion over the past several months.  

I am a Sheildmaiden of heaven. I am the daughter of a great King-the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, the Mightiness in the land. And in the Bible, He does promise me (and you!) that with salvation, being caged and made to endure our darkest fears will not be our fate. In heaven, with the Lord, fear has no hold over us. Even here on this very earth, fear is only what we allow it to be.

I have realized that my eating disorder was a result of my fears because I was afraid to be me. To live. To embrace. To feel. To breathe. To hope. To love. To fully accept that I am captivating in my own unique way. To believe that I am beautiful. I was scared to be rejected due to who I am. That if I am unable to accept myself, then no one else will. 

To be honest, I am still living in fear of this very distant reality. Yet, I relish in the fact that God already has the victory over the enemy, and that I am a beloved Sheidlmaiden of the High King of Heaven!



Sending you lovelies hugs, kisses, and rainy days!

Comments

  1. you're a wise you trust what you should :)

    (I hope you don't mind but I put a link to the post on my blog cause its just how I feel, but you say it better than I could haha)

    God bless you :)
    -Layla

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