Revisiting ED...

May 28, 2012

Four months and a laps in recovery later, and I am still on the winding road to recover from what I thought was Bulimia. No sooner was I admited into Renfrew than I was told that I was considered to be Anorexic due to my weight, but that I did have Bulimic tendencies.

Eating disorders involve so much controversy and steryotyping. Girls (and guys) are labeled as eating disordered because the issues that primarily have to do with food. Some of these labels are rather nasty, and others are plainly out of ignorance. There are few who really undertand what it's like to deal with a disordered person, or to even be one themselves. Eating disorders involve more than just food, although many "experts" (those who think they know everything) would disargee.

I may not be the prime example of how eating disorders are born and bred, since I have not expereinced half as many harships as others, but even eating disorders can be developed in surroundings where one thinks is safe. Eating disorders, like mine, can get their start amidst life events, not just at meal time.
 My issues with food all started when I was twelve and developed severe food intolerances to milk and gluten, as well as barley, oats, and rye. But, for some, they develop an eating disorder because of a traumatic event they went through as a child, like rape, or sexual abuse, or a death in the family. (Don't tell me that's not a good enough excuse to have an eating disorder. I know! There's no "reason" for having one, but try telling that to those who only know how to deal with their issues through the control of food. It's all about control, and in the mind of a disordered eater, it's a very plausable venture. And it works...).

I have always loved the taste of bread, and the soothingness of a cold glass of milk. It's a throwback to my childhood where my mom would grind her own wheat and bake it into beautiful brown loaves of heaven! I still have those memories associated with bread, and even the thought of drinking a glass of cow's milk makes me smile.

In the same breath, though, it also makes me cringe. Just this year I was finally given the diagnosis I had been wanting, but dreading for many years. I am gluten intolerant and lactose intolerant. Boy, that would have spared me a lot of worry-and an eating disorder- if I had know sooner! But later isn't necessarily always bad. And, yet, it still scares me to even think about eating a slice of gluten-free bread, or a glass of Almond milk because of the pain associated with real bread and milk. Fear. It's consuming. And eatind disorders often feed off that fear.

Not only did allergies affect my views of food in a negative way, but certain life events and personality defects did as well. I was, and am, a perfectionist, a control freak, a type-A-personality-people-pleaser, and can be a very pesamitic person (when I have the mind to be). Above all I am subserviant-a humble person who works hard, doesn't like to take hand-outs, and desires very much to be self-sufficient.
In the past, with the stresses of learning to drive, troubles with my Sensei (my Karate teacher...a controlling-micromanager-doesn't-give-a-crud-about-how-you-feel-would-rather-you-not-come-train-if-you-can't-do-what-is-required-of-you-regardless-if-you're-injured type of guy), a snotty college professor, and the disadvantages of growing up, my life came to a spiraling hault.

 Thus, my eating disorder became the thing I felt made me powerful and in control, when in reality it was drowning me in a vast landfill of bad memories and regrets. I thought I was in control, and to look back on it all now, I pity that girl-I pity me-because she, or I, wasn't in control at all. My eating disorder was.

So, food is not always the main issue that propells an eating disorder. It could be food related, yes, like food allergies. But it could also be due to family issues, negative dealings with a job or a boss, or, it can even breed life in the masculine enviroment of sports.

So before you label a person with an eating disorder, stop and think about the life events that brought them to that point. What made them choose this path? What troubles have they seen and faced? We've all got problems. So be patient, kind, and don't give those who struggle with disordered eating grief about their choices. Love them, protect them, and fight for them.

Memorial Day Weekend

May 27, 2012

This year I have had my own unique way of celebrating this holiday. It wasn't a planned celebration. And it wasn't pleasureful, either. It was hot, muggy, and smoky.

Actually, I was helping my mom hold a historic cooking class at Mansker's Station!

My mom and I cooked pea soup, three huge pans of biscuits, and oh-so-yummy Moravian Sugar Cake.

I was so excited for today. I'm going on vacation for two weeks starting Monday (so I'll probably be MIA for a while), and I just wanted some time to spend with my mom before I left. She's not going with me, and this will be the first time away from her without my siblings, so I am nervous and excited all in one package.

Alas, I was unable to help myself to what I had helped prepare. :( I did, however, get to take some pictures during the lunch break, which was a nice trade-in.

I hope you all have a fantastic memorial day. I am so thankful for all who have sacrificed their lives to make this country great.

Blogspiration Fridays Wk 3

May 25, 2012

"Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."


May 22, 2012

I have goosebumps and raised hairs on my arms. My spine is tingling and my heart is racing. I am on the edge of my seat in anticipation, gripping the couch cushions with all the strength I have. I don't normally watch shows pertaining to ghostly adventures. It's not my cup of tea-watching people investigate paranormal activity and hauntings in old abandoned buildings, inviting demonic apparitions to communicate with those that wish to contact the dead. 

My experience with paranormal experiences straight from Hell is zero. And I don't plan on ever delving into such an ungodly satanic "hobby". But for some reason I was attracted to Travel Channel’s Ghost Adventures this afternoon. It isn't explainable as to why I felt the need to watch such a show. Maybe curiosity? And yet, I feel so dirty with a sense of breathlessness. I myself have delved farther than I wish into the realm of the dead. 

I don't particularly believe in ghosts. You know, the Civil War dead guys that roam the battle fields, making fires, eating their hard tack, and playing card games. Those are cheesy Halloween stories that don't ever seem to add up, or produce believable evidence. 

According to "If there are such things as ghosts, according to the Bible, they absolutely cannot be the disembodied spirits of deceased human beings." If they aren't deceased human beings, then what exactly is it that people swear that they see? Well, not the spirits of humans, I'll guarantee that. Yet, there is a possibility that there are spirits that walk the earth. also mentions that "The Bible teaches very clearly that there are indeed spirit beings who can connect with and appear in our physical world. The Bible identifies these beings as angels and demons." 

I do believe in demons and angels. If they're recorded in the Bible, then they're real. And since Satan is still roaming the earth, I fully believe that so are his demons. It is recorded in 2 Corinthians 11:14 - 15 that "Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.”

So, appearing as ghosts manifested in human form appears to be a capability that the demons posses. Whoa. Creepy! Here's what has to say about ghostly hauntings:
The closest biblical example of a “haunting” is found in Mark 5:1-20. A legion of demons possessed a man and used the man to haunt a graveyard. There were no ghosts involved. It was a case of a normal person being controlled by demons to terrorize the people of that area. Demons only seek to “kill, steal, and destroy” (John 10:10). They will do anything within their power to deceive people, to lead people away from God. This is very likely the explanation of “ghostly” activity today. Whether it is called a ghost, a ghoul, or a poltergeist, if there is genuine evil spiritual activity occurring, it is the work of demons.
I hate to think that this is more than likely happening still to this day, that demons walk the face of this earth masquerading as "angels of light", deceiving people into believing that there are ghosts-souls of the dead that have yet to rest in peace. 

Blogspiration Fridays Wk 2: Breathe

May 18, 2012 that may be a little hard to actually accomplish-doing nothing.

But, I like that it alludes to the idea that it's fine-and-dandy to take a breather. And it's okay if all you do is breathe for a day.

Do what you want to do, rather than what you feel that you have to do. <--I might actually try this one day :D!

Wishing you cold grass, rainy days, misty mornings, and peppermint tea! Have a beautiful, God blessed weekend, lovelies! :)

forgiveness, love and hate

People fight. They lie. They steal. They cheat. They kill. But Jesus tells us to love those who do us wrong, because it is not our right or jobs to judge wrong-doers, as we ourselves are guilty of wrongdoing as well. 
Instead, we are to show love, kindness, and forgive. For all of us, we have encountered people who have put malice in our hearts by their cruel actions. 
I am not exempt from this; it's part of the sinful lives we live. However, we have a choice, like in everything whether to hold onto those feelings and stew over them, or let them go and live free from the burden of harbored anger and loathing. 
Why does this choice have to be so hard? So difficult and confusing? It's striking how easy it is to hate rather than love, but easy to love that which we lust over, and hate that which is good. What a contradicting world we reside in.
What are your thoughts on forgiveness, love and hate?

Don't forget about the Summer Daze June Giveaway that will be happening here on the 24th. Also, a surprise giveaway will be coming soon, so be on he look out!

Summer Glow June Giveaway

May 17, 2012

Dear Summer,

It's time for you to get your swag on. You have been missing from my life for far too long, and I am in need of some sunshine to warm my bones, and kiss my face. So, don't be shy. Come out and visit soon. And please...say a while.

With love,

Believe it or not, but summer is almost here. Summer is one of  my favorite times of year.

Not because of the warmer weather, but the sun shine that always seems to be smiling. It's bright, cheery, and perfect for outdoor fun!

I wish it would last all year.

And guess what this means? It's time to CELEBRATE!

So, I am having a few giveaways here on Captivatingly Me to reign in Summer.

I am hosting 2 giveaways: one the week of the 17th, and one the week of the 24th.

It's going to be fun. Exciting. Special. Sunny. And so, so sweet! Plenty of prizes to win, so spread the word and meet me back here on the 17th and 24th and noon for some amazing prizes. ;)

Here's a sneak peek of some of the shops that are sponsoring the Summer Glow June Giveaway:

April @ TheGinghamOwl
Taralah @ yokieB
Katie @ KatiePegherPhotography
Haley @ haleybraggdesigns

Check back for more exciting shops and prizes to win!!!

seven secrets to sexual purity (part two)

May 16, 2012

{Purity Dreams of Its Future}

While it is unlikely for Purity to dream of the future, it is apparent that girls do. We dream BIG. About medieval knights, elvish princesses, gruff cowboys—girly things. But there's more to us that just dreams. We hope. We plan. We make lists...I know I make lists. I have this thing about lists and I have a system. The things I want the most, need to do, looking for make it to the top, while other less urgent items sink to the bottom for a later date. 
 But one of the most important lists I think I have ever made was when I wrote my "shopping list for HIM". This does sound a bit demeaning. Why would I make a shopping list for a man? It's not necessarily a shopping list as if I'm window shopping for an available guy, but more like a character list, a list of qualities that I will be looking fervently for in a man. If he doesn't make the list, he doesn't have my heart. 

I am slowly coming into that time in my life when I will come face-to-face with guys that do not meet the criteria on my list. And while the guy may not make the cut (which doesn't mean he's a bad guy), the list does provide me with a guide as when to say yes and when to say no. This list isn't just based on what I want, but what the Bible say I should look for in my husband-to-be. And when it comes to my husband-to-be, it doesn't hurt to have a dream, a vision. 

When I see my husband to be, I see a very distinctive person who, at the moment, has no face (because haven't met him yet!). I know what I am attracted to, what draws my attention and excites my passions. And when envision him, I see:

>> a tall man who is
>> nicely tanned,
>> has a toned physique and is
>> very handsome.
>> has long or short brown hair,
>> has a good sense of style and
>> a good neck (I love guys with long, stalky necks!)

Okay...the last one isn't exactly a must have; but this is my dream, right?

Not everything about a guy is about his looks. A good looking guy may be easy on the eyes, but can be a pain if he's missing a good personality. When I envision my husband-to-be, I see someone whose personality compliments mine. And since I am more analytic, quiet and reserved, he would need to be more care-free, loud, and energetic. In addition to those, it would be nice if he came with a few of these--->

>> generous
>> kind
>> caring
>> super funny
>> loyal

His dreams are also very important. What are his future goals? Career? Wife? Kids? Hobbies? But most importantly...does he plan on living his life for God? Most importantly-while he does have his own dreams, and you have yours-both dreams need to work together. They need to be similar. 

One area of his life than needs to match your ideals, dreams, and views needs to be religion. If he isn't a Christian man, then you don't need to be messing with someone whose life is not devoted to fully living for God. Do not be unequally yoked(2 Corinthians 6:14). 

We're girls here, so I'm guessing that most of you have made a list in your journal of the qualities in a guy that you are most looking for. I know, for me, there are certain things that I am looking for most.

For one, he has to be a Christian. And his love for God must surpass his love for me. However, not only MUST he be a Christian, he has to be a spiritual leader who will lead me and others.

He must have similar viewpoints as myself, and stand up for me and others. If he’s going to let people run all over me, or he sees that I have done all I could to try and protect myself, then he needs to put on his big boy pants and protect me.

Those are the big three things that are super important to me in a guy—Christianity, Spiritual Leadership, and Similar Viewpoints. Don’t even step in the direction of dating, or, marriage unless he shares your faith, because you “run the risk of falling in love with someone you simple cannot have” (The Bride Wore White, 69).

And do I end this post with a question for you “do you want to be intellectually and spiritually superior to the man you fall in love with, or do you want to be challenged and stimulated by him forever?” (The Bride Wore White, 69).

be true. be you.

May 15, 2012

Being yourself speaks volumes to the type of person you are. 

Confident. Intelligent. Sincere. Effervescent. Admirable. Vivacious. Contagious.  

You are not afraid to be different. To stand out in a world lacking color.

To stand out in a world of dependency, enmeshment, and one that accepts below average standards. 

You are you because you're proud to be different. 

Unashamed to be crazy and extraordinary.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Are unashamed of your faith." -Psalm 139:14-16

Brave enough to love, hope, dream...

Free spirited enough to dance like no one's watching, sing like no one cares, and laugh and live like each day was your last. 

These things are the fibers of what makes ordinary people extraordinary in their confidence in the person they were created to be, by the God who admires their captivating beauty and meekness of heart. 

May 14, 2012

It's been rainy here for most of the week. And Mother's Day weekend was wet. But somehow, this melancholy weather added an effervescent glow to the beautiful mothers in my life. Yesterday was full of laughter, food, and many, many wonderful smiling memories. Just one of the great ways to kick start summer-by praising the precious mothers who have given me life. 

Blogspiration Fridays Wk 1: Hope

May 11, 2012

So I have come up with something semi-new-probably done elsewhere-to do on Fridays here at Captivatingly Me. I am hoping this will be a weekly thing, but knowing me and how inconsistent I am, it may be a total flop. It's basically a meme that focuses on random topics that usually contain an inspirational word, quote, photo, or something that's happened. I'm gonna give 'er a try anyhow and see what comes of it. ;P

This is for you, all my lovelies! Don't lose hope, because God sustains us, hold us, heals us. 
With little toadies, buzzing  bees , and chirping robins, I wish you all a wonderful Mother's Day weekend with your Beautiful mommies!

born of blood

May 9, 2012

I love my family. I love their smiles I love their quirks and their laughter. I love their facial expressions and goofy dancing. I love the way they were raised. I love the way their voices are unique to them. I love their clothing style. I love their age. I love their spunk. I love their joy and humor. I love their spontaneity. And...I love their nuttiness! What a mixed bag of nuts I live with. I don't know where I would be, or who I would be without them. I am apart of their family-born of blood.

I am always right

May 4, 2012

Who says you can't be smart and creative all rolled into one amazing package?! 

Um...okay, I don't know the answer to that, but seriously, I have always thought that you were either smart or creative,  and that it was impossible to enmesh the two together. 

I can't help being the way I am. It's easy. Comes naturally. 

Ya know what I mean? Have you realized that it's so easy to be YOU? It's natural! Whoa.

My right brain is overactive. On hyper-drive all the time. Nonstop. Constant perpetual motion. <---Sometimes I give myself migraines!

If I allow my right brain to flood and neglect my left side, well, there's no telling what could happen. 

Probably something pretty crazy, like splatter painting my bedroom wall, or, reinventing song lyrics, or, making weird faces, or, getting into odd positions. <---That happens all the time anyway!

But...when am I not crazy? I am sure that's a question we've all asked ourselves!!!!

If my left brain were to work all the time, and my right side were to be neglected, then I don't know how I would survive. No offense to those who are major lefties, but I would bore myself. 

I mean, that's just how I am. 

I can't stand knitting because I get bored of using the same colored yarn, or using the same stitch, or even the same needles! <---I get bored with a lot of things that require repetitiveness. 

I am mainly a righty. I know that. But thank God there some lefty in me (probably more than I am willing to admit). 

And with that, I accept me as the kind of girl I was created to be.

The final product is a crazy, smart, crazy, weird, crazy....ME! 

What about you? What side of the brain do you use the most?  

the taste of fear

May 1, 2012

Fear is deafening. Blinding. Debilitating. It is a voice inside our heads that cautions us, ignited that fight or flight reaction, and can inevitably ruin a good day by prohibiting us from trying something new, accepting change, moving forward, or getting close to others.