hi there

February 22, 2012

It's been a while, huh? I know, I know! I have failed to keep this blog up to date on all that's been going on, and what God's been teaching me lately. I don't have time enough in the day to write to you guys as often as I'd like, but I do think about you all often and wonder how you all are doing.

My recovery is going well. I have been feeling rather tired and cruddy lately, but I know that is the result of this whole re-feeding process. (I am going to see the DR about that tomorrow, because there is a suspicion that I am battling re-feeding syndrome). 

Anyhow, God is amazing and has been teaching me so much about myself through this process that I feel so overwhelmed with the richness of His blessings. It is so amazing a feeling to know that I have a BIG GOD who not only cares about my problems, but a God that cares enough to help me work towards a better future for myself that, in the future, I can share with others my story of recovery and my discovery of how great our God is!

I know this is a quick post, but I want to leave you all with something I have learned recently. It's inspired me in so many ways to know that God has given me this life knowing that I can handle it!

ED Documentary

February 18, 2012

Thursday I was told by Renfrew-after my two week review of how things were progressing-that I was clinically diagnosed at Anorexic and that my BMI was at the 70% level. It came as a shocker to me to learn that I wasn't what they would call Bulimic. Not that I preferred one diagnosis over the other (I'd rather have neither, to be honest), but it was just interesting to learn what they thought about my eating disorder. 

Obviously some Anorexics have some similarities to Bulimics (i.e binging and purging). The Something-fishy website states that "It is not uncommon for people suffering with Anorexia to waver through periods of Bulimia (binging and purging) as well". 

So...like I said, this news was a little odd to me. I had always thought that I was Bulimic because I was purging and binging. However, Renfrew told me that my binging wasn't really binging at all; more along the lines of a subjective binge (i.e eating a normal meal, but it feeling like a full-blown binge). At first, before my Therapist explained it to me, I had always thought the food I was eating was WAY too much. Yet, to a normal person, my food intake was normal, but that it was ED who was telling me that what was normal was really too much, that it was a binge, and that I HAD to purge to feel better-less full.

If that makes any sense at all!

Anyway, it's still ED awareness month, and I am proud to announce that I have gone a full 2 1/2 weeks without binging or purging!!! I am so excited, but still leery due to the fact that the urges are still there...taunting me. But I hold firm to the promise that God makes all things new, even my wounded heart and self-abused body. 

Seek ye first

February 14, 2012

Today was eventful and I am exhausted! The Lord really spoke to me today on a matter than He has been really trying to teach me the past few years--cast all cares/worries upon the Lord. He is the strength I need to forge ahead and conquer my fears and anxieties. And this morning I think I did just that. 

I never thought that learning how to manage stress and worry could play such a crucial part in a person's well-being, and when my dad had a dizzy spell, I guess you could say, on the way to Renfrew this morning, it became all-to-clear that stress and worry have more of an impact on people, including myself, than I realized.

In the times that we tend to stress or worry, it often feels as though-in the words of Job- "The churning inside [...] never stops; days of suffering confront [us]" (Job 30:27). Lord! if only I had a dime for every time suffering decided to come and confront me, I would be richer than Bill Gates! Alas, nothing ever comes so easily. Not even a cure for stress and worry. 

But...come to think of it, there is someone that can take those burdens and carry them for us. No matter how heavy or dirty they may be. In Matthew 11:28-30, it tells us about the sovereign grace of god and his mercy and love for those who are struggling:
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Now, I don't believe I would have ever come to this epiphany if my dad had not had to go to the hospital this morning after complaining about lightheartedness and heart palpitations (from what I could gather). Turns out it was nothing serious. All blood tests, EKG, vitals were spit-spot and showed no signs of deterioration of the heart muscle, like it would if he'd had a heart attack. So, praise God on that!

However, through that ordeal, I believe that not only was God teaching my dad something, He was also giving me a lesson on Faith. Stress and worry take a heavy toll on the body. Trust me, I am a prime example of what stress and worry can do to a person who allows it to control their life. If you're someone like me, and I hope Not!-then you may or may not have channeled those emotions into an Eating Disorder like Bulimia, or Anorexia. 

In light of all this, my lesson learned was that no matter the situation I should always seek Jesus first instead of doing it ALL ON MY OWN. In the end, the stress from the burdens I am carrying around and refusing to let the Lord handle for me, can do things to me that are destructive. Matthew 6:33 put it this way: 
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things will be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow will take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." 
So, yeah, that's how I spent my day-at the hospital waiting for test results and watching people being wheeled into the ER by the EMS. And to my astonishment, many of the nurses in Vanderbilt's emergency department were overweight; and the number of people needing medical care grew in numbers as the day advanced. Not a fun way to spend Valentines day at all. My heart goes out to all those sick people in the ER who were battling an illness rather than spending the this romantic, joyous holiday with loved ones.

photos via Pinterest.

ED awareness month

February 12, 2012

Hey all!

Boy, have I been having an incredibly interesting time lately. I am just so disheartened for these girls at Renfrew. I can't help but desire for them to have the same outlook on life as I do; and to know that there is more to this life than counting calories and figuring out how to cheat on their food exchanges. It sickens me to hear them confess to the therapists on a weekly basis that they have either restricted, binged, purged, or use some sort of drug/laxative/diuretic. Yet they wonder why they have not been able to gain weight, are not allowed to workout, or why they're still there at Renfrew.

I can only pray for them. Especially for this one girl who's been MIA for a week now, and has developed self-abusive behaviors (i.e. cutting). I am very scared for her.

On another note, this month is Eating Disorder Awareness Month, so I wanted to share with you all a girl sharing her story with her own battle with ED.

Thank you all for your blessings, prayers, and encouragement! I am entirely too blessed with such lovely friends. 

my week according to ME!

February 8, 2012

Hey guys!

It's been a while. Okay, maybe not an extremely LONG amount of time, but it feels like forever since I am posted anything. Renfrew is time consuming. It feels like all we do is talk...and eat. I am perfectly fine with this, t be honest with you. However, the other girls there have a difficult time.
Being at Renfrew has opened my eyes to how ridiculously obsessed  this world is with looks (i.e. shape, weight,  etc.). The girls there have such a warped perception of themselves it sickens me with grief that they could even think in such a way about themselves. And yet, I can see that after 8-10 years of doing this religiously, they could become so wrapped up with their eating disorder that it becomes their means of existence--their sole Identity. 
For me, as an onlooker, I can tell you that these girls are beautiful (one has the biggest, bluest eyes!). But they can't see that. And for that reason, along with some other very difficult, and catastrophic reasons, I pity (feel sorry for the girls and want to be encouraging...) them for the happiness they don't have. Yet, I know it's not my place to help them. I can only PRAY for them. And that's what I have been doing.
It's been an interesting week thus far. I have been bloated (due to the refeeding process). With that I have had intense pain, like migraines, swelling limbs, and muscle tenderness (to the point where I couldn't even touch myself AT ALL!). Thankfully this morning is better because 1) I have no migraine! and,  2) the bloating/swelling is going down. THANK GOD!
The emotional stuff is difficult, to say the least. I feel as if I am broken because some of the things don't apply to me. Which, in a sense, I guess is a good thing, because those issues the other girls are dealing with haven't had time to become apart of my eating disorder yet. Now that I am typing this, it's clear to see that the statement above is kind of sneaky, in a sense that that's what my eating disorder would have me believe, if you will--that I'm defective without issues. Whoa.
I am effective not defective whether I HAVE certain issues or not. With some I may not be as effective like I would be with others, but just because you have issues doesn't mean you are automatically labeled as defective. It's okay to have issues. Everyone does. So why would I feel that I am defective for NOT having the same issues as those other girls at Renfrew? It's just silly to think that way. 

Actually, since I am not defective along those lines, I consider myself BLESSED. Yes, blessed, because I don't have to peel away at those issues like those other girls have to do. My issues are in a whole other spectrum and they have nothing to do with my outward appearance. Inward, yes. But to me, my outward appearance was satisfying. I liked the way I looked, and was comfortable in my own skin. I just wasn't always comfortable with who I was, and am, on the inside...if you get my meaning. That's one of my things I need to work on. 
Oh, God is so good!!!!!! My affirmation for the week comes from James 1:2-4: 
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
And my .one thousand gifts. 3 blessings of the day are

  1. being at Renfrew
  2. healing
  3. redemption 
(I know I am WAY behind. But I don't think I am particularly following this whole 1000 gifts in a year thing. I'll just go with the flow!).

And last but not least......my song of the day!!!!
Beautiful by Phil Wickham on Grooveshark

Listening To: Cannons by Phil Wickham
Daily Quote:You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.
– Harriet Woods

Renfrew Day #2

February 2, 2012

Well...it was very interesting. Not like yesterday, but nonetheless interesting. No chip-freaking today. We had tacos and that was a little scary, only for the fact that the spices and peppers and onions brought back the fear of my stomach hurting. It did, but was bearable.

I do thank the Lord for giving me such a positive outlook on this whole process. I am excited, but am not sure if I am allowed to feel that way there at the center. Because the girls there are all negative and very moody, it's difficult for me to find a time to be able to voice myself, express what I am feeling and how I see things. And I, at times, feel that it's not appropriate to feel positive in a semi-negative environment. That these girls have deeper issues than my own does help me understand the reasons "why", but it's still stiffing and suffocating to someone who's waited so long for this, and is ready for change and to give her ED up.

I do want to thank you again for your uplifting words of encouragement and prayer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

Renfrew Day #1

Thanks ya'll for praying for me. I just got home from Renfrew and had an interesting day. I won't go into details because of this whole confidentiality thing, but I was amazed to see how different I was compared to the others girls at the center. I definitely don't freak out over a bag of chips. But it's an understandable fear. I have those, too.

Breakfast and lunch went well. Surprisingly! And I met with the on site counselor as well. I wasn't much into talking today, kind of nervous and way out of my element, but I am going to make an effort to be more engaging in the days to come...a challenge from my counselor.