the joy will burn out the pain

Listening to: Jesus Saves-Jeremy Camp
Quote: Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.-Joseph Campbell
Rainy days. Grande Passion Fruit teas. Black flowered, hand-bound journals. Pastel gel pens. Neon highlighters. God's Word. I sit here at my kitchen table this gray morning, sipping on a refreshing cup of tea, reading my bible and jotting down a few thoughts. It has been a while since I've touched or even thought about my journal. Let alone my Bible. 

Since I became Bulimic life seems to always spiral out of control. I am unquestionably forgettable, lethargic, and not entirely the same person I used to be. In a way, that's both good and bad. Good because through this struggle God has, and is, showing me his Glory. Bad because I have lost myself in a world that so many die in daily. And I could easily, like so many others, at any time, die from this. 

Morbid of me to think that way, but there's no sugar coating my way around it. Continuing down this path that I am on will surely cost me my life, my relationship with my family, and with my God. I don't want that. What I want is to be whole. To live a life electrified by love. A love of God. A love of my family. A love of myself. A love of God's people. 

I feel like a dead man walking, too weak to think clearly or act. I move throughout my day in a groggy daze, feeling empty. Yes, empty is a feeling--a feeling, mind you, that hurts lime any other sorrowful emotion or feeling. It's a strong, powerful feeling, to feel nothing. You feel so hollow inside because you know something is missing--a joy that surpasses what this world has to offer. 

God has continued to teach me things that blow me away. And whether I fail to recognize them, learn from them, or appreciate them, He is still blessing me. And answering my prayers. Sometimes God moves a little slow for me. But He doesn't work according to how fast I want things; instead, he works according to what He knows is best for me at that particular time. A trip around the world can wait. A job can wait. Striking out on your own can wait. What needs to happen now, He tells me, is that you "get well". That's what you need most right now. The other things can wait. This is more important. You're life is more important to Me. 

So, I have been getting glimpses of what joy feels like--a truly exhilarating feeling in comparison to nothingness. It's almost too much! He's working on me one heart beat at a time. And I am thankful He's determined to show me His unyielding love. He hasn't given up on me yet, and I am clinging to the promise that he never will!

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 


  1. I've been praying for you :) just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
    blessings & prayers

  2. I am so glad that you realize what you were doing to yourself, and how harmful it is... because now you can get better. :)
    We love you so much!


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