This is Where The Healing Begins

You can't get any more real than a post about healing from the past. Healing from pain that is so intricately, and delicately interlocked with the past, is emotionally draining and quiet frightening. 
 The pain almost becomes the primary focus on life. It's that security bubble that constantly reminds me of what it was like to be hurt, without ever allowing me to experience what it is like to be hurt. It's a strong force that, without knowing it, subconsciously captivates me-keeping me from breaking free from my fears and the pain, because I have become dependent on the pain my past has caused me-and debilitating. 
  The pain and the cruel memories play their dirty tricks on me, causing me to relive moments in my life that I would much rather forget than reminisce. Perhaps I only have myself to blame for the pain I endure, even to this very day. I had the choice whether or not to let it control my life. But as a small child, things are so new, and the world is spinning so fast, that it is almost impossible to understand the reasons for why a certain thing has happened.  
 As a little girl, I did not come close to comprehending anything outside the little realm inside my small, closed-off bubble. I suppose this bubble has been slowly, yet surely increasing its maximum security of my heart and feelings-long before I recognized the signs. 
  Locations, events, moments, hours, minutes, seconds, days, weeks, years-they all, in one form or another, linger in the form of bad memories (thoughts of hurtful experiences from the past) and have become barriers to my spiritual and personal growth. 
People have hurt me, criticized me, turned their backs on me, time and time again. Without knowing it, they kill me slowly, and then ask me what my problem is! But, I have to realize this: I am killing myself to by driving myself insane, dwelling on the past. And yet, how can I forget? I want to forget because I am hopelessly tired of hurting. Tired of the lies. Tired of NOT ever feeling good enough....They say "You can't have a rainbow without the rain, so you can't have happiness without pain." But, unlike pain, rain doesn't hurt.
  The burden of pain that I carry has drained, even robbed me, of the energy to be creative and partake in productive activity. And for a long time, all I have felt was this sense of unworthiness, guilt, hopelessness, brokenness; and that I was unforgivable. I am so sick of trying, so sick of crying. I mean, yeah I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying. I'm tired of putting on a show so no one knows. I am sorry to those of you who thought I was strong, I'm not. 
 I pray daily that God will heal the hurt, fix the brokenness, and help me to stop looking back. I don't want to continue feeling pain, fear, sadness, uncertainty. I wish that the hurt and pain from the past would just up and disappear, because I am sick of having to relive the memories and sadness of my past. I want closer, healing. I want something more.
Through my prayers, by reading and submersing myself in the Word, I have come across verses that have helped me greatly:

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the LORD delivers him out of them all.~Psalm 34:19   

This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:    “He took up our infirmities and bore our diseases.” ~Matthew 8:17

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.~Isaiah 40:30-31
 
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.~Psalm 51:10
I have realized-only recently-that the good thing about God is that he does just what I need, he heals. And by his wound we are healed (Isaiah 53:5). He brings peace, happiness, hope, forgiveness, love, all the things I have been searching for a long time. Now that I have realized this my pain is slowly subsiding. I'm healing. And where that healing begins is simple, Jesus Christ.

Comments

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that your hurting! i will be praying ever so hard for you! but i am so happy to hear that your are starting to be healed! You are so right when you said that God heals! He does and I'm so glad that He does! He is amazing and He can do anything!
    blessings!
    love.sarahlynn

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Emily! I am so sorry to hear about the pain you've experienced! Yet happy you're in the process of healing with the Lord! I'll pray for you! :)

    Love never fails <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Please keep your comments clean. So, please no foul language.

Popular Posts